Rubber ducks & the rush of blood to the head

I sell ducks for charity. I'm actually serious :) At the hotel we've been selling these little rubber ducklings in a pack of three for charity. A couple of nights ago, I have been told something that only made me think later on – ‘Maya, we’ve been selling so many ducks while you’re on shift!’. Is this a pure coincidence? Maybe it is, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe I remind people passing by the reception of goodness – yes, they do not know me but I guess my smile does the trick.

Probably it is more than that - I tend to spread my inner joy and energy and people relate that to goodness. Good thing, especially when it's for charity :) And why not spread that positive energy when I feel happy? Many look at me and wonder - what exactly is she so happy about; it is like there always has to be something major to make us happy. Can't we just be? To me, every day there is a reason to smile; we either have it (the reason) or we make one, the botton line being smiling and just being happy to be. It is not that hard really, it all comes down to mastering your thoughts and setting up your mind in the right direction.
Well, after all, maybe I've got a reason to smile - or maybe I have decided it will be one of my reasons. Sometimes though I sit and wonder: Have I rushed into something too soon too fast? How could I know the answer to this? I surely could not when the rush of blood to my head was on. But the rush is healthy, you know - adrenaline goes up, you boost with energy, you get the feeling of lively and cheerful joy. What's not to like??

 I saw Eat.Pray.Love the other day. I was lying in my huge bed covered with my two soft duvets and hugging my two bears (the cutest soft toys in the world). Let me not skip the part where I did not stop eating practically anything for like 2 hours. Sounds like almost perfect Heaven? It was. I felt so relaxed that it made me think about how crazy I have been acting recently. So here comes my big conclusion: Apparently, at some point (during the rush) the fear of losing ground and so much sought after balance starts surfacing. What the movie came up with is that sometimes, however, losing balance for love is just part of living well. Am I living well? Or great even? Only time will tell but I do know that I am happy as I am and all I want to do is make others feel the same way.

It is funny how we always tend to relate movies to our own lives. That's why they made them though, right..

It's time for R3v0LuTi0N!

I had the best time of my life during a week exactly one week ago and I mean it. Maybe it always seems like the best time ever with this girl but in this case it is like so many things kept on happening and forces kept on joining in order to provide us with a great time and crazy memories. Ah.. I love memories.. that blessed food for the soul. Or was that love? Maybe it is love. I love to love, be it memories or whatever. It is inner joy that just shines through you.
Having her here changed my life even if only for a short while. It made me remember what I love, what I miss and what I want. It felt so right.
When it feels alright, do we jump and drown in the feeling? I wish, but that is dangerous. We should know how to use the brakes and slow down and take it easy. Yes, we should, we should. But everyone loves a fast car, right? Same thing. It is simply that we feel more alive when the wind is blowing our hair away and there is a chance of being pulled over by the police ;-)

She helped me rediscover freedom and how amazing it feels. Freedom comes with choice. Choice, however, by definition brings complication. See, when there is much to choose from, one ends up loosing their mind wondering which one's better and what to pick and replaying scenarios over and over in order to compare. IT DOES NOT WORK! I couldn't know whether any of your choices are good enough. Only later on things will reveal themselves. So what to do?

Revolutionize yourselves! :)  Break the habit, do the first thing that comes to mind and enjoy the thrill.

RE-VO-LU-TION! Life isn't granted, you know, so why follow the same track and do what others expect/want/tell us to? Stand up against everyone who's too afraid to do what they desire to and show 'em how! When it feels good then why not? Let me live for a lil bit, gosh. I want to drown with crazy, love, joy, surprises. The consequences? Well, life's complicated ANYWAY so we'll have to deal with ridiculously tied knots no matter what we do. Let's at least enjoy the ride :-)

Life behind a mask = pittyful

I really hate those people living behind a mask! I know you know what I'm talking about: all those people fakely smiling at you every day but so clearly something else is going on in their head. God, I hate that. Why can't you just people be for real? Either be straight and get your issues resolved or move on! People who don't like each other shouldn't be FRIENDS - this sounds sick already - or meet or try to talk about things or hang out.. because it does not work, okay?! Yeah, I know there are those circumstances where you have to bow down and be 'nice' to someone just for the sake of safeguarding peace in a gang, etc. Hence, you are doing it for someone you care about. Allright, you deserve a medal but noone will actually give you one. Make it easy for yourself and try to really solve issues between you and this complexed chap.. or just forget about it! It won't be.
People, just be straight.. and open.. and honest.. and direct. I want to be happy and smile to everyone and be accepted as an honest person. And yes, I'd love some sincere smiles back. There's too much drama in this life, man. Why can't we just live free of all this bull**it!? It would be nice... too nice i guess.

P.S. nothing against Obama here.. just thought this mask is pretty cool:)

Patriotism - the odd version

I do understand that i become quite controversial at times. At one point you will hear me spitting sh*t on my country for all the bad and repulsive things i know you find there (or at least i do since i know them..). Whenever I happen to be in this ALL-AGAINST mood of mine, anyone who tries to defend or say anything good with regards to those disgusting me things/people/characteristics/etc. will find it quite hard to deal with my anger. I become all crazy and furious and noone can put me down. But then..
Then I have my other mood - the nostalgic i-love-my-country and i-miss-all-the-good-things-there MOOD. I know, sounds random and so weird. We do have so much potential and so many bright/intelligent/smart/talented/amazing people out there... it is so sad though that the mass of idiots manage to take everything - from power/politics to popularity to tv/music, etc...   When i listen to something of quality, it makes me even more sad for the fact that if these people were abroad, they could actually be successful and famous and recognized. It gets me down.. It's like this nation has been created to only suffer and struggle and never make it.. (okay, we made it to EU.. but what...) It is surprising how stupid and ignorant people would actually feel okay and happy amidst everything.. Pity i'm not one.. Or am i blessed? Does struggle make us more and more unhappy or it leads to perfection?

"Breaking The Habit"

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

[Bridge:]
I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

[Bridge:]
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight 

You Think You Knew. But You Still Have No Idea!

Wait, wait. Some people think they know me. Do you really believe that?
Um.. okay, according to my own statistics, the people with highest probabilities of knowing me are like three? Maximum 4.
But hey, even I don't think I know me! Or at least I am not confident stating it. So I just don't :)

In fact - now making use of my advanced psychological knowledge - I think I am just smart enough to use this 'not being confident in really knowing myself' statement to justify myself and more particularly any actions of mine which do not quite correspond to anything people know about me.
Here comes the logical question: why do i like doing this?? That's kind of sick, you know. What's my sickness then?


I think I know, I think I know. Can I say, can I say? Please? 
I have this crush. A crush on.. shocking. 'Shocking' like a thing; like something i love to do and be described as! Man, isn't that ODD! :) But I love to shock - everyone around but also myself. It is like testing yourself and how far you can go. 


Obviously, no bungee jumping in mind! (GOD, I'll never ever do that!)
The adverse side of this 'crush' of mine is usually omitted at first and not fully realized. It is substantial though: right when I manage to make a decision and I believe I've decided it for good, my shocking 'crush' comes to ruin it all for me! So it turns out as if I keep on pretending and then keep on betraying on myself.. Or is it just an anti-dote to boring life and ordinariness? Possible? Logical?

Questions - too many. I am not sure about the answers. I am certain you don't know them either. 
Conclusion: I told you - you don't know me but I don't mind if you try:)

'I hate that part'

I'm a fighter but sometimes it gets me too - I can keep myself together and encourage everyone around for so long but then suddenly I'll break down. And what I really hate is that itchy feeling in my eyes - that one right before tears start filling them up. The ever more absurd thing is that I get down so easily by slight embarrassment or tiny situation which did not go the way I planned. Ah, now I remember why I started hating planning and refused to do it - it is simply disappointing because, come on, how many of your plans do actually materialize in that same way you imagined them in your head? So, okay, planning sux, I won't do it, so I guess I'll be safe. What about embarrassments? You cannot protect yourself from them. They happen and weirdly enough they feel as bad as if you have just fallen on your face in the middle of some central city square, almost every time, almost regardless of their nature and fatality. What am I to do then; how do I deal with darned embarrassment issue? Should I put my guard down? Should I feel shit for the rest of the week (just for the record - it's only Monday!)? I know what I need ... A good laugh with someone fun' n 'funny! Anyone?

The Way...Back

I guess I believe in second chances. Sure, it depends on the circumstances and subjects involved but still it is good policy. I decided to give Malta a second chance and sure enough I am more than glad I did so!
See, the thing is that things can be so similar but yet so different at the same time. It all comes down to your own perception and motivation. If you are striving for something and you are enough motivated to go for it, then I believe you are pretty much on the way of getting it.
Experience, obviously, has its say too. I managed to take 14 flights across three particular countries in 8 months and eventually it just brought me back to where I started off.
It is so different though! Malta is different and yet the same - finally feels home! (I say 'finally' because I used to look for the 'home feeling' elsewhere not even a single thought crossing my mind that it can actually be Malta) I want to be different but yet still ME. Yes, in fact I would like to be the better ME and I will be! Determination is everything, right? :) I promise you this - this time around I won't look any place else and I won't whine around or try to escape as soon as problems come on the surface. No! I will stay put and be positive - if I could write it on my cv, then I could actually do it! To sum up, I will be a slightly grown-up version of myself and endure whatever there is to be endured in order to have the life I was seeking for so long.
So.. I guess you'd ask how does it feel to be back to the place which I used to hate and was so impatient to leave the second I could?! WELL, it feels GREAT, man! I am telling you.. I haven't felt that good in quite some time... good as in healthy state of the mind. When you have a good feeling about something, you relax and just enjoy the feeling. No stress:) That is me right now! I feel something good is on its way and I am simply preparing to embrace it and give it a good bear hug :-D And.. And I want to embrace anything else that I have simply thrown out during my 4-year stay and I mean it! I kinda feel as if I have been given a second chance and not the other way round! Is this destiny? It's interesting to note that I flew my way here a week or so before the volcano Island errupted! Get my point?
Im OFF now. Im just gonna go lie and chill listening to music and enjoying my feeling of satisfaction. Cheerz :D

Love = Loyalty = Love ?

It is incredible how we live life in a fast lane and never have the time to think about how fragile everything actually is.

Life is to be lived together with someone/s and not on our own.
When we find people we cherish and care about, we should never let go! No matter where they are, how they are, whom they are with, how stubborn they are, etc... Love equals loyalty and vice versa. We cannot claim that we love if we don't intend to be loyal, ForeveR! Of course we are all just human (you know what i mean). Loyalty in this case is implied in its stronger version which is namely mental and soul loyalty.

These are the secret messages that ''Hachiko - a dog's story'' sends out. A truly inspiring (maybe too simplistic at first sight) movie that tells the tale about man and his best friend - the dog. It is based on a true story which really happened during the 1920s in Japan and it reveals the strong connection that can exist between a man and a dog - i personally believe it is probably stronger than relations between people. Hachi gets so attached to its master that after his sudden death, the poor dog keeps on waiting for him on the same train station for nine years hoping it will see the day when he - The Master - will come out of the station gate AGAIN. This cute dog, an animal, manages to express better than any human how persons marking our hearts and lives stay with us forever, how lost we can be without them and how the severe pain of missing them wouldn't let us have a 'normal' life anymore.

I can only advise you to get a couple napkins and watch the movie.
I can only hope that this world needs more of those movies for romantic rather than simply 'reminding' reasons (reminding in the sense that they show us what we are supposed to be like, do and feel).

My final urge is the following: let's live in a way that we will not regret because 'tomorrow is never promised today' (quoting Alicia Keys - Like you'll never see me again) .. and please

Love Like You'll Never See each other Again..

When a journey is over

I can't help having mixed feelings now that the Green Light For Business Conference is all behind. 


Every journey is full of emotions, situations and various experiences - there will always be a couple of negative ones but most of them will be positive in one way or another. Why did i end up with this mix of satisfaction, happiness, frustration and apathy if the event was a success from a business and personal point of view? 

The day following the end of the Conference my skype's profile message has been set to 'back to life' but.. I would rather say that what has just finished was kind of LIFE. It felt like blood transfusion right when i so severely needed it! I am satisfied with myself and the work i managed to do/took part in; I am also more than satisfied for the fact that i got to know what my strengths are with respect to other teammates' skills; I am extremely satisfied knowing that i possess something more than others. Last but not least, I'm also satisfied because I discovered (things about) myself in a setting that has not occurred to me ever before.


Uhm, what was next on the list? Ah ye. 
I am happy, oh, so so happy it all happened to me - that i met all those people, spent time, shared knowledge (this is really too formally put) and had some fun along the way.

I am not having illusions though. 
I am not deluding myself with sorts of thoughts like 'now i have made friends'. At the same time, I would always secretly hope that this might actually be true. That is why I am frustrated - somehow I feel that we will not go to bars and discos together ot gather in someone's rented studio to just bullshit and laugh. I just don't see it coming. 
Obviously, one cannot force people to be his/her friends (okay, unless you are extremely rich or some mafia guy) so what do we do when nothing happens?
We move on and look AHEAD. What's good was good and noone can erase it (oh, except the Haitian from HEROES :P). 


No whining and crying, no, no. Life is about meeting people and having an impact. Even if this means you get to spend time with someone for 2 days only. You cannot or more like SHOULD NOT say NO to your opportunities to meet and impact just because it seems short and pointless or even worse - painful. You never know when and how this meeting, this tiny little moment of socializing and impacting will actually have its big impact on you. And it almost always does;]


What about apathy? Well, I'm just a human at the end and can't help being overhelmed by feelings, emotions and confusion sometimes, you know. All i need is some time to clear my head and think straight. When i do that, I will eventually realize all the good stuff - everything i've gained (which includes my first ever business card, yey!), all i've learnt AND  all pure goodness I've done for the sake of it without no material gain:) (there should always be such a component or otherwise stories will never have a good ending or at least they will not serve purpose as bedtime stories for our grandchildren).....

So here I am.. terminating the Green Light For Business Conference 2010. I won't fuss and I won't fight for what's been lost or for what has not happened. 
The END should be a good one, a good one. So walk away ... with your smile on .. this is how you will be remembered. 

HR - the story of a profession I DISlike

It’s full of ridiculous jobs out there, don't you think. The one that really thrills me - in the negative sense though - is HRs – be it HR Specialists or HR assistants or HR Managers.. What a senseless job is that!? Don’t get me wrong – I know there has to be SOMEONE to actually filter and select among people. But what is It exactly that they do and how awfully boring is it?? I mean, I just don’t get them.

What's with having to listen to people's trying-to-impress-you declarations of all sorts all day every day? How boring. And how useless (for urself a an HR I mean). How do you develop in this field? What do you expand on the 'knowledge' of asking questions and scribing down notes and then ANYWAY selecting randomly? I am very sorry but I really don't see the thrill, the great experience and the amazing career that is envisaged in all this, the HR career.

What's more, an HR's carma is probably not to be envied since they get cursed by so many, like, ALL THE TIME. Negative energy directed towards you is no joke especially when released by such a great amount of angry fellows. At the end, such a small fraction of people's lives will be positively changed by an HR during his/her lifetime career as such because you simply can't hire everyone. Rather the contrary, an HR is mainly busy with playing with ordinary people's hopes and dreams and then blowing them off.

Im writing this coz I've been advised to exploit the fact that the majority of job vacancies (donnow how but it's true!) are for HRs to at least enter in a company. Then I am supposed to somehow figure out a way to switch departments and find the right spot for me, once in.

I, as a numbers-oriented and brain-based activities person look at this proposal with such a disregard and even contempt that it almost looks like I'd rather consider a secretary job more seriously. I can't do it; I am not done for that, I don't even think I will be able to do it efficiently enough. Fuck, I'm being picky, am I not? Some say I'm too proud and will never find a job like that. Well, maybe they're right. Maybe they are NOT. Fifty-fiftyy. But if I turn out right, I will be happy that I didn't have to compromise myself, my beliefs and opinions. I am so stubborn, I know.

I know we need you to choose the best from the best. Let's hope you really intend and attempt to do that.

Sorry brilliant HR people (that I am sure some of you are); I just needed to release my anger on something/someone.

ABOUT LIFE'S PURPOSE

I saw this movie the other night (yup, here I go again with my movies but I do like watching movies) that had me thinking of what a person really wants to do and how much it differs from what he/she really does (in almost 90% of the cases.. my own estimation) in life. How many people do actually become what they once dreamt of when they were little kiddoes? I am even re-considering that 10% figure now.. Why do people work and do things that they do not like or hardly ever have actually dreamt of doing?

After all the crap I’ve been through/seen in my life, I learnt that only looking up to your dreams can take you out of the crap and make you move on.

Dreams have to be big. The reason for this is simple – the bigger the dream, the longer the road leading to it, hence, the farther from the crap we have got to go. And exactly this is the point of it – to bring us as far as possible from the ‘dark past’ and bring us ‘pink future’. Or at least any of its nuances. Is it possible though that our dreams are too big? What happens then?

They say that if you want something too much, then eventually you will have it. However, what has also become well-known is that usually people tend to obtain relatively easy the things they want relatively little and that we have to struggle almost infinitely in order to get what we really want. However, these two statements are not mutually exclusive but rather complementary. If you do want something that much, you will sacrifice some time and effort and go about it.

BUT still ..

What happens if I turn down too many of the relatively easy ‘opportunities’ in the hunt for THE ONE I want more than anything?

How long should we keep on looking and passing whatever’s in front of us just because of the belief we are destined for something else? What if we are just delusional.. What if we never really get to the point where we reach the OFFER of our life, the one that we always dreamt of? Am I going to regret throwing imperfect offers out the window? Am I going to be constantly chased by ghosts of past little mistakes?

I guess we all ask those same questions if we haven’t obtained that job that makes us the happiest people in the universe. At 23 (can’t believe I’m even saying this, I’m feeling so nineteen! ) I too got to the point (of no return) where I’m simply thinking and asking and talking to myself and all those processes directed to one particular thing in my mind – the JOB, the thing/activity I want to do. Because, you see, I do not want to work just for the sake of it – which I have to since I am completely income-less , I want to do something I LOVE. Might sound way too poetical but I believe that all the best things are done with love. Take babies for example! Ok, I drop the babies topic immediately, it was just an innocent exampleJ

So, what I’m saying is that we should not give up. Of course food is more important than love, but at the end love is the food for the soul.. and when this dies.. (sigh) We all know the end of this story.

I thought I had actually found the job I was destined for and the one I will probably spend a lifetime in - I was in fact envisioning myself at 40 yrs as a super HEAD of some department.

Building trajectories too early didn’t seem to work out good for me though. Boom-Bam .. and I got a negative call. Gosh, it was painful to see my trajectory fall apart and become just invisible dust. At the end, I guess this just wasn’t my destiny and that’s it. I have to think that or I am risking to completely fall apart; or becoming a secretary mastering the art of preparing espresso on a daily basis.

We have to safeguard our confidence no matter how small and miserable the circumstances make us feel. I will keep on looking up to my dreams and believe my vocation will soon unveil itself in front of my eyes.

And I am so eager to meet.