Lovely

You know what I'm thinking about right now? I'm thinking of a Christmas, not a random Christmas though, a whatever one, but a Christmas with you. This is how I wish my next Christmas will be - full of you, your warmth, care and joy that you give to me. It's been a while since I had one like this and I do believe you can make it more than a merry one :)
I want to whisper in your sweet ear 'Merry Christmas, baby' and kiss you softly on your smooth like a little baby butt cheeks. Then I'll touch your cherry lips, rub them gently, stare at you and kiss them.
We won't need to do anything special to make it special. I just want to sit there, wherever, with you, and watch the lights and all the decorations, no matter how ridiculous they are.
And believe it or not, I won't need any presents, any toys or goodies, because you're the only teddy bear I would need. And would just hope you feel the same and that I am your only present needed.

Should I stay or should I go

I have been finding myself on the crossroads far too many times recently. Is it me, is it the weather, I really don't know but this point of the way where confusion seems to be just slightly too much that it makes you stop, look around and make a decision, is really not as much fun as one might wish.

This time I feel very much challenged because of a clash of behaviours. Still undecided with regards to this particular surrounding (or to be really precise it should be in plural..), I keep on asking myself: should I stay or should I go. Go where you would say?

This month has been particularly crazy - too much and too many involved and I think my head is spinning from having to figure out what each and everyone is in fact having on his mind. I can't understand why they are constantly trying to mess with me (as in mess up my head). Can't you just be real? Isn't it that simple? Can't it be?

Sippin' out of my decaff coffee at 4:15am, it kind of looks to me that men have become BIGGER and maybe BETTER gossip girls than women ever were and could be! No kidding!
Once the firm and tough shoulder for women to lean on, men seem to have turned to the soft side of a relationship - if there can be one at all these days. They have become more curious, whinier, bitchier, crossing their legs more often, etc. Why are we switching the roles? Is there a problem? Apparently the status quo is not working out any longer but only unofficially, ha.

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I decided to let ten days pass in order to check whether any of my thoughts in this regard will have changed or been modified by something or someone before eventually pressing the publish post button. Time does not seem to be in favour though.

They say you don't get what you want but what you need. Well, this is exactly what I want (I guess) - to get what I need.
But am I artificially creating a need on my own for my own and how healthy is that? What do I need to be and what/who do I need? And do I, at all? I do not really need someone in particular as long as I have one/s who care. (once again, is this a wish or a need?)
Hence, are these the people that should be surrounding me? Fun is fun.. but is it worth the bulls*t?

At the end, I believe life gives us more or less what we need and right now I guess I needed to doubt.
I'm thinking... Maybe it is about time to say goodbye and let the surreal faking be without my presence.. maybe.. maybe..

P.s. I wish I'd rap this song: Atmosphere - Trying to Find A Balance

I Feel So..

Best feeling in the world? Do you know which one it is? I know what it is: it is when you had fallen apart and then you get back up again!

I while ago I saw this movie called Blue Valentine. It is about a love story; an amazing great compelling love story and its ugly horrific end.. It made me think: are all love stories bound to end no matter how beautiful and true they are or they look like they are, do they all have an expiration date? I mean, I am not even 100% sure whether such insanely big love exists but I believe it does the same way I believe there is God.
We know from our moms that not all that glitters is gold, right? How would you know though unless you pick it up, try to dust it off and bring it to a jeweler. Waste of time - well, most probably. But how else will we grow them wisdom teeth unless we bump our naive heads a couple (million) times in the wall.. OR is it maybe that we are looking for the wrong commodity (gold instead of copper?)..

(Off-topic or maybe not?) A friend of mine told me that in general guys are clueless. To me it seems that if they are clueless it is because they want to be so. Playing clueless is a soft way of manipulation - pushing the other/s to go forward and express themselves which would usually turn out to be something one can conveniently later on use as an accusation (in insanity, for example) argument. But wait, am I the one who is defective because I seek joy, passion and affection and try to give those away in handfuls.. OR is it you? 

Depeche mode said it doesn't hurt to get but be careful what you give. If you want to be careful, then stay home! I do not want to be careful; I want to give and be given. I am going to live my life thy way I need to and with the positiveness and jump for joy that I need.

To the people who pick us up and to the people who pick me up - thank you. You are my pure shores.

Do I have it all figured out? Hell no. But it doesn't hurt to pretend I do. One thing I know for sure is I am too fabulous to be sad. 

Turned DoWn

I don't like it when I'm down. And noone really does. It is like they are all used to me being all happy and sunny that when I'm down it feels like a crime and the craziest thing of all is that I am the criminal.

What's my problem? I want to be given Joy, simple as that. I need it too, you know, at least to replenish my inner bag of Joy which I usually spread around the world and is bound to hit rock bottom at some point. Nothing is forever. I cannot always give and give.. and give.. and then they just take without thinking. It becomes a habit and then who's the loser? Me, the one left with a completely empty bag of Joy - Non-joy. 

Where is the missing link? What about reciprocity, where did that go? I don't know who removed it from the equation but I vote we put that back right where it belongs. Or else I cannot make it. There's no need for a complete balance but at least for an attempt of one. At the end, I'm just a small little girl brought up to this world to make it smile.. but hey, I am a living being and need sunshine too! 

Where is my sunshine?

After the fall, I hear music

A friend of mine recently made a statement about me which doesn't seem to get out of my head. What he said was that I simply cannot stand silence. He dared me to stay in silence and peace and quiet to prove him wrong. Well, I couldn't!
Even though it is true that i never put my headphones away - except while sleeping and even then somehow I dream with music and random songs keep playing in my head - I wouldn't really agree with that statement. Or am i just afraid to actually admit the facts? And what if I don't like silence? Or maybe I like silence but I like music better?!

About MUSIC
Music is my way out of everything, my way to feel and feel good so why would I intentionally put a halt to this, right? Music helps me be me and see the world and even paint it in colour. It makes me forget, it makes me fly (I could probably make a song out this too haha). Some would argue that love is bigger than music and more efficient when it comes to making people fly in the skies. Music, however, is always there and won't lie to you. Or get tired of you. Or substitute you. Eternal love? Is it a myth? My opinion is that nothing is forever. I might be wrong though. Let me elaborate on that.

KEEPERS
Probably he is right though, my friend, with regards to my unease with silence. It is a well-known fact that I have a problem facing 'accusations' like this and an even bigger one in admitting such as non-fictional and rather true. Nevertheless, all this served to point out something very important to me. I asked myself why did he think of that and how could he know it and here is where I realized I am so damn lucky to have people who know me better than I know myself.
All those people are keepers.

You'd like to know who your real friends are? Do something incredibly stupid and then see who will still stand by you. Those are the people who have the guts to still love you and be there for you even when you are a complete jerk or act like a self-centered mean egoist. I would know. Yup, done all that. And they still love me and help me get up on my feet after every fall. Could that be eternal and a no-matter-what love? I hope so.
Love you guys!! xxx