Friday, December 21, 2012

If I ain't got something, I got it with you

It is 11:11 pm on the 20/12/12. Tomorrow is the so awaited and spoken about 21/12/2012.
I am a Maya, I should know what the Maya people predicted. They did not predict the end of the world, everybody listen up, they made their calendar revolve around an exact cycle which ends tomorrow. What happens next depends on you and me and us. We are in this together.

The world will not end, at least not tomorrow.. But I do hope certain things in this world do end, tomorrow.
I'd like to look at it as a mindset transformation deadline. I hope you have your mind set and you have narrowed your choice down on what person you wish to be should the world NOT END. I wish to see more people take 22/12/12 as a second chance to be a better human and care for more than paper with Phoenician signs on it. I want people to realize right now in this hour what is it that they have done with their lives and whether they would have lived it differently. And then I want to see them live it differently from tomorrow after. I know that I gave my all and did my best whenever I could and realized that I could make a difference.

I lived, I loved, I was here. As long as I am with you, nothing else matters. I have my peace. Peace y'all.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Six Degrees of Separation

Funny how different brains can be.
What spinns around my head recently is exactly how far male and female brains are?

We are so similar, we are all human beings, we all have faces, feelings, past and present, wishes.

 If we are only six degrees of separation - allowing myself to use the geographical measurement metaphorically - how can our train of thought produce such different outcomes and lead to plenty of unwanted, unnecessary and so easy to avoid confusion and frustration?

How much is six degrees in human thought´s terms? Apparently too much. Men and women just don't get each other, full stop. Whether we are coming from two different planet (Mars and Venus) is a rather rhetorical question, we look too much alike to be that different. So what is it then? Why can´t we possibly go down to each others level and grasp what is causing disruption so we can smooth it out?

Expectation and again expectations! They ruin everything, I tell ya. Nothing is ever the way we imagined it to be beforehand, so why do we keep making this annoying mistake and expect things/actions/behaviors from others? We do not rule the world and how it goes around. Here it is!

It really annoys me when things go great between two and then on the sign of the first small issue, everything goest tumbling down with a bang. What is the deal? Are we that stupid, isn´t all the hard work worth a bit of patience and tolerance?
Men think they rule the world; then women from their side think they rule it too. This isn't possible because if we talk about ruling only ONE is the ruler on top of all (if i get the concept correct). But wait, wait, why is it always about ruling? Can't we live in harmony together, guys and girls, without this constant (whether conscious or not) attempt to push each other off the 'throne'? What is the throne? What happens there on top, why do we seek this?

Let us stop this, please. We can do it, yes, we have to really try and it will definitely not be easy but it is worth the pain in the back. I am sure. Now come and let us split the throne.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

In my own world now

Wow, I haven't written since May, lots must have happened, and more certainly I must have had zero time for myself. That is seldom a good thing but in this case it was. I was busy LIVING. My best friend got married, I have grown a lot at work (learning-wise) but definitely way more in my relationship. Sometimes I think I am forgetting the world because of this guy. Am I really, could I or it just doesn't matter, the world?

Of course, of course the world matters, we inhabit it, it should be worth..something? Which part of it shall I be focusing on though - the Past, the Present, the Future?

Some of my beautiful memories vivid as if it was yesterday

Oddly enough there has been a strange phenomenon reoccurring in the last couple of weeks: I have been remembering all these tiny but extremely detailed memories from my childhood past that it had left me wondering. My grandma chopping a chicken's head off and me a little girl observing the whole process till tasty chicken soup was on the table. My best friend and I walking side by side wearing the same pair of jeans, just a couple of sizes different, we were 14 years old. Me being 12 at my village during summer break; I tended to have fun on my own by dancing the day away listening to Backstreet Boys on my mom's Italy-imported cassette-phone.
Why am I running all this through my head now? Something is happening, isn't it? Maybe I wanted to be taken back in the day, my subconsciousness needed that to prepare for what is about to come.

1989 - 2007 - 2012

I am changing, I feel it so strong, I am growing up looking for my purpose and a pure and simple joy from life. Like the gentle touch of his hand on my head or cheek. Seriously, all this is enough for me to see the light of a day. This and much more. He made me realize I don't want to be another human junkie stuffing full of chemicals crisps in my mouth while watching simulations of life on TV. NO! I want to be real, I like real but real is simple and we are just not tuned anymore to this wave. Our brains are totally screwed up by all this 'modern life' and 'complex technologies'. How more will it take until we wipe everything off?

All this makes me think of what I want to do to escape the usual human spiral down. What do I wish to do and go for, what can I and intend to do to separate myself from the automated lost-in-simulation human herd and unfold my potential? The real question here is: Do YOU like what you see? Not the iPhone in your hands, the real big picture I am here referring to. Do you really want to live like this, like everyone else? The standard accumulate-as-much-as-possible-material-shit-as-you-possibly-can human path is not convincing me. Opposed to what we are unfortunately conditioned to 'think', money only buys you comfort and not happiness. So that makes me totally unwilling to spend my life wasting effort, time, relationships in order to secure me having a comfortable sofa (for example). I want to be happy, I live to be happy and being happy makes me want to live!

You want to join me on my mission to reverting back to a simple real part of this Earth being? Please do, I hope you will. Let us go back to old-school ways of communicating, having fun, loving. I wish we would do all these artificiality-free, it is in fact my current dream. I want (us) to be free of addictions and satisfied with little. I need (us) to see the beauty of the simplest forms of existence, caress a puppy on the street, hug a tree, smell a flower and drown in the pure sense.
Life is good to me, life is good to us so why don't we appreciate it? I am a happy being, don't you want to be another one with me today? It is easy I promise, together we only need to make a little push.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Good morning world, it is spring, it is sunny, it is lovely. No matter what has happened or how we feel, it is interesting how a slight change in weather and simple bird songs can make us feel so young and refreshed.

Today I decided I will do something unusual and instead of writing I will quote something for you, something someone special wrote to me which I believe should be read by many because I believe we can all relate to it. 
Thank you to the writer!
And here it is:
Thank God for my shoes - they fit only me.

I woke up today and I realised that there were many things about my life I was not satisfied with or better still, there were challenges that were threatening my soul.And I said to myself, "Why should anyone envy me and want to be in my shoes." They don't know how far I've come, they don't know what lies ahead of me, and neither do they know how dissatisfied I get with myself from time to time.

People don't know the troubles that you've had or the price you had to pay to get to where you are. All they want to know is that they wish they were like you.Why should you wish you were in anybody's shoes when you hardly know how they fit?When you've worn your shoes for a while, they take the shape of your feet and align to the way you walk. If you were to wear my shoes, you will not be comfortable in them.

So I stopped wishing that I am in someone else shoes because it might not fit; rather I thank God for my shoes, because they fit!I have learned to be the best in what I do, and I know no-one can replace me anywhere & in any sphere. I am an original; God is not in the cloning business, He makes originals.
Make the best of what you do; besides you have this beautiful life to live ONLY ONCE. Live it to the fullest.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Stone wall fences

What do you do when yo get the urge to scream, cry, shout, jump, kick, yell, sit quiet, whisper, be sad and mad?
I guess my thing is sitting on a cold stone wall in the dark peaceful night.

I went outside and sat on the wall. Sitting there, on that couple of metres tall (probably around 7-10 metres) wall fence separating me from green abyss under, I felt like I couldn't care less. I was so comfortable there, almost feeling invincible since gravity made it feel too cozy. It did not take 2 minutes for me to not even feel the limestone under me, it almost felt as if I was flying on a magic carpet. That magic carpet had to help me clear my head, it had to, there was no choice. All these confused bad thoughts needed to go away, now, quickly before they manage to distort the nice order which has been put in place in the timeline of a long beautiful weekend.
Good, they are gone now.
I can finally go to sleep.

Friday, February 17, 2012

The importance of Closure

I had the strangest dream a couple of nights ago, a dream which made me wake up in the middle of the night shaking, sweating and more than shocked. Why had I dreamt of him?
First thing I felt when I woke up - after the initial shock - was guilt and confusion. Yes, I had dreamt of an ex-boyfriend. That dream made me feel unfaithful even if it was nothing like that (yep, nothing hot, I promise!). How come it was so powerful even if so subtle?
Even more strange - the night after I dreamt of another eX.. but that was different. I woke up very well, light  and somehow with a smile on. What was happening? Was my subconsciousness trying to point out something?
It should be screaming something loud but oddly coded if it made me dream once more of that same person who woke me in panic just a couple of nights before that.

I definitely do not miss those guys and most certainly have no feelings whatsoever towards them. Is the fact that one relationship ended up without having any 'let's sit and talk this over'- phase had something to do?
When I thought about it more carefully, it suddenly struck me that my last four (at least) relationships have ended with no closure, one way or another it seems that I chose so. Was I doing it because I simply thought it is better? Almost certainly yes. Was it really the best solution? Almost certainly not. What did i do wrong then? Nothing much BESIDES avoiding closure.

It is regardless really of the side of the equation you end up being at - the one left or 'the left-ee' (not quite sure whether my word-construction exercise is working out so just to clear it out the second side is the one WHO left.) At the particular point in time we somehow tend to think (i.e. our mind plays wicked games with us and tricks us into thinking that) we are better off switching our cell phones off/ hiding/ ripping up photos, any left belongings, etc. (extreme cases but they say it works). Put more formally, in general it mainly consists of persistent avoidance of that person and anything linked to them in any way on Earth possible.
There are plenty of reasons one can list justifying such behavior and we all know it - we have to be strong, move on, pretend as if nothing happened, forget about it, etc. etc. That is not what I am interested in. I wish to find out why this is not the best (long-term-wise) solution.

As they say one has to face their Demons to get rid of them. In no way here I am depicting your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend as a Demon.
Those are the fears, always bugging questions and why-s related to that person. And those will not just disappear, believe me. We might think they have vanished but in reality they can only be buried inside of us until settled.
Sooner or later they have to be, don't they? I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we better gulp down and settle what needs to be settled and solve what needs to be solved till the end right there at the spot. You wouldn't like to wake up in a hysteric panic a year after and wonder why this nightmares keep chasing you. I know.

As impossible as it always seems, I say we get real; stop hiding, face all that stuff we have going on in our heads that we have to face, get closure, we have to! You owe it to yourself, to set the account straight and get to peace at least in your head.

Wait, wait, as a matter of fact I think I finally got it - our brain is like a hard drive, stuffed with so many memories besides everything else. So we need to make some space from time to time, right? We don't need to erase really but archive, put all burdening and heavy memories in a box in a corner of our mind so we can free some needed space for the great new. I am quite convinced this is the point of 'you have no free space left' that I find myself in right now and my brain is alarming me. Girl, you better clear all the clutter and get ready to fill that space with some shiny new amazing moments!

We have to...
Easy said, right?

Saturday, January 21, 2012


I skyped with a special friend of mine some time ago and it made me realize something as big as shocking - that there is probably a maximum of 3 persons in my life whom I can be completely and fully open and myself with and not try to pretend anything or play games. Yeah, games are fun... when you are eighteen. From then on why play? It is so burdensome this whole pretentious image-building exercise but yet everyone keeps on acting on a daily basis. This is so twisted..

As twisted a it is, it appears that playing games is a well-approved of strategy to go about getting laid, getting a guy/girl, one day hopefully this leading to an actual relationship, wedding, kids. The rest I am sure you know for yourselves. How exactly is me pretending to be somebody else rather than myself going to get me to the point of committing to someone else because I am his other half? Doesn't it sound all crazy?

Relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends, girlfriends, boyfriends, marriage - everyone's got something to say about it. But who really says anything and who's got the right to say something? Apparently single people are no good in this society (at least that's the public view, that same pretentious Public). Odd, having in mind that most of all those 'couples' out there are either not for each other - whatever that implies as per The Public; either playing games for the sake of it or simply being 'together' in order to BE because they are scared of being lonely. My question is: Why do people get on that ship, without being sure they have got a ticket?

First of all, why would I want someone, just anyone, by my side like an accessory? I would rather get a bag with the same effect, wouldn't I? You realize how superficial people's perspective on relationships is especially when they come to you and pop up the ever so annoying question: 'Is it serious?!' The word serious can be defined in so many ways, and yet, I can hardly think of anyone who refers to something else than 'serious as in ready for marriage and all that follows'. Why is this all that counts in this society? It doesn't matter whether one has a deep connection or cherishes the one next to them on a higher level?
One thing is for certain: If I want someone by my side, this someone has to erase everything else and give new meaning to things. He will show me another side of life which I never knew before, he would make me feel safe, grateful, good, enlightened.

It's only when I lose myself with someone else that I find myself.
Probably my favourite song of Depeche Mode; possibly the truest statement ever. Why? Many think that self-exploration comes with solitude and too much time spent on digging deep down within to understand yourself. Which is indeed correct.

There is only so much however to the lone discovery of the self, it is limited so you can't really obtain the thorough widescreen perspective of your self which was your initial intention. What then?
I have discovered just recently that one only finds themselves when they actually lose themselves with someone else. Yeah, exactly how complicated does that sound. Believe me, it isn't really. There is one big obstacle to reaching this and if you manage to go beyond it, your quest is almost solved. This great hurdle is the inability or more the fear of letting go one's self when being with someone, letting go of all controls, all what if-s, brakes or step backs in one's head.

What do you get? I knew you were going to ask that question since all of us humans are get-oriented, we hardly do things for the sake of it; I am assuming that maths in our head is very strongly planted. Back to the prize - you will get to experience something amazing, something so magical it is hard if not impossible to explain with words. From my experience it is as if your soul connects with this other person's soul and you end up feeling something so strong and pulling as if you have two souls. It probably sounds nuts what you are reading, only until  the moment you actually feel it and then there will be no mistake, you will recognize it!

How is all this going to end? Everybody wants to know, in advance. But you cannot, and you'd better not! No one can possibly foresee the future (yep, I do not quite believe in Nostradamus) and this is our blessing! Should we have known something will not last, we would not have started it in the first place and would have never gone through the joy and passion and soul connection that we have experienced. I/We are already lucky, you know, most humans never really got that far - to know this side of themselves. So spread your arms wide people and embrace a true connection!

Sincerely yours,

Monday, January 16, 2012


It was raining today, all night and almost all day. It wouldn't have mattered if I didn't have to walk twenty minutes on my way back home after work. It was not so much rainy as it was windy, therefore after 10 meters attempting to walk with an umbrella, I had to swear once or twice and give it up.

I believe that was a sign, from God possibly. It was one of the best walks in the rain I've ever had - a purifying one. I walked and at one point I started crying. I walked and cried till I got home, it actually felt so good that I wanted to keep on walking.  It does relieve you from a lot you know, it is amazing, I might get addicted to it even. But what am I going to turn into - a big crying baby? People go to the gym to release the stress, I would simply walk and cry in the dark. Funny.

Was it the Rain that made me burst out? Hardly. Everything else BUT the Rain. The Rain was the washing-away power which would help me get up tomorrow morning and keep up with this shit routine and fake smiling. I could only wish I was naked, probably the purifying effect would have been twofold. Probably.