Thursday, October 29, 2009

When Enough is Enough

People are strange creatures, probably the strangest of all. After years of detailed exploration and study of their behavior, you could still end up being surprised by some bizarre and out-of-the-ordinary plus occasionally not-making-any-sense behavior. What a mixture, ha?

Well, when do we say ENOUGH is ENOUGH? Is one ‘ENOUGHENOUGH though? It would be very simple and easy for us humans – especially the ones who try to put some sense in things – to be able to say ‘ENOUGH!’ and really go on without a single thought to it or backward glimpse. Are there any people out there you can’t get your head round? Then you know what I’m talking about. Exactly when you’ve made that tough but firm decision to say aloud ENOUGH, they would pop up just to test you – you and your honesty with your own self. No, they don’t want anything in particular. These people just want to bug you out and make you feel bad with yourself. So here you are again – nibbling at the bait in an attempt to establish communication or any normal kind of relation till it all comes back to the same situation where you have to say ENOUGH for 6-8-13-234-th time in order to feel OK. So there you are – lying to yourself on a daily basis. What a weak ass I would say. The thing is that I WOULD say this if I was eighteen again. It is remarkable how during our childhood and adolescence we are capable of being absolutely firm and definitive in our childish decisions and then the more we grow, the weaker we become with respect to final decisions and judgment – each time we try to find the way to compromise and excuse. This, on the other hand, is the road to becoming HUMAN rather than a little egocentric piece of a person.

To get down to it: Is it innocent to be naïve or it is naïve to be innocent? Put in other words, should we really ‘grow’ and try to become BETTER humans by forever believing that the good in people will prevail, or we are simply nibbling at that bait which will eventually lead to us been grilled and eaten up (*am I too stuck on this fish metaphor or what?*)!?

Now I know I’m growing up because – as much as I’m hating and trying to oppose it - I’m turning into a ‘weak ass’. What to do? I’m saying ENOUGH, again. But I promise I’ll be giving myself a little ‘SLAP-treat’ the next time I even dare to think of going beyond it.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Noone can break the Time and Space continuum

One thinks that four years is a crazy long period of time. To be even more precise, one is absolutely sure that four years will be more than enough to do everything and then still have half of the time at hand to wonder what ON EARTH to do. This, however, is an absurd illusion which we are capable of stating as such only after we have actually seen those four years pass us by like a Porsche leaving just dust behind. Why did time fly by without indicating its speed? Eventually we find out that we haven’t really done it all like we initially expected, pardon me, we were certain. What happened?

One thinks that four years is a crazy long period of time to spend on a ‘rock’ (i.e. rude for ‘rocky island’). But what if that ‘rock’ presents you with some great opportunities and experiences that can be the cornerstone of your life? What if you didn’t realize this in time but only when it was too late? What if we had a lot of fun but spent too much time having that fun with the wrong people? What if you met the wrong people because you weren’t at the right places to meet the right ones? What would the present look like if you had met those right people at the right time? What if you met the right people but never gave them much importance so never got to know them better as you now wish you could? What if you know now what to say and you didn’t know then? What if you didn’t want THAT something/someone to be close back then but now you want it badly? What if we missed so many of those things which are offered to us once-per-lifetime and we regret that every single day? Do we keep hanging in? Not much choice in here. All that is left for me now is to:

· hope I did enough during those four years

· look forward to the next four

· try to ensure I ‘did my homework’ and take every chance I get

Clearly, people tend to concentrate on how long a certain period of time is and now on what one can do with it in order to use it to his/her best advantage. Time is limited. At least us individuals’ time is surely limited. I know it’s a banal expression but please DO NOT TAKE TIME FOR GRANTED. Cherish every moment and make most of it. You would follow this advice if you don’t want to miss opportunities and desire a rich and fulfilling life. I know that’s what I want.

AND you?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Memories (continuation of a thought with big T which apparently began 2yrs ago)

I love memories. Here I am talking about the good ones, of course. I am not that masochist as to like bad memories. I can’t say I aim at erasing them from my head either but certainly I do not love recalling them. Good memories, on the other hand, are so good that you need to lie down or sit back, relax, close eyes and then start the journey through your mind, a journey that will take you where you once were and where you would like to be right now.
Some memories will be too real – you know when you get the goose bumps from just a sound that reminds you of something but so strongly that you almost feel right there, back in time. I am having the goose bumps right now myself! Why is it that some of those lively memories seem like they are fake and they haven’t really happened? Those are the memories that are too good to bear.. everything back then was too good and now seems an illusion because you don’t even imagine this as being reality. Probably because it can’t and it is certain that it never will be, not again, not in the same way as before. When we realize that, our brain starts recalling those ‘ fake memories’ (which are real but we just explained why they are ‘fake’) in such a way that they look like scenes from a movie. I have plenty of such memories.
To be true, most of my good ones are of such a kind. This at times (who am I lying to.. ALWAYS!) can prove to be a bad thing. Yes, bad, very bad, and make you suffer quite a lot because you remember this .. let’s call it ‘MEMORY’ .. and you feel so relaxed and it’s so good.. you have turned back time and are living it all over again, that moment/that heavenly situation/that cup of tea with someone with big S/whatever else be it. It is all so intense and colourful that when you open your eyes by mistake you can’t remember where exactly you are. What is this place, where am I? – you ask yourself. ‘Ooh, sh**! I am back to reality, no, no, no!’ You don’t hesitate and close your eyes as fast as you can... but it’s all gone. It is exactly this feeling that I really hate – looking down confused and feeling so miserable and sad. This is not because you don’t like where you are at right now, no, not at all, or at least not necessarily. You clearly realize though that what was WAS and never will be.
What should we do when thoughts overwhelm us and we can’t figure what exactly to do next?! Never think about this memory again? But how do I do this? You know what? Instead of wishing there was a magic or enchanted antidote that we could just drink and let go of these making-us-feel-bad memories, let’s just be happy they are real memories and they did happen to US and us only in that heavenly kind of way we remember them.

About the memory pile-up & DREAMS (Note: something i have written 2 yrs ago)

Sometimes i just sit and wait.. wait for the memories to come into my mind. Coz i like to remember things. Which is mainly because i tend to remember just the good stuff.

That’s probably a self-defense mechanism – let me dig a big hole and put everything bad to rest in there, then pile it up with a bunch of stones to cover it all up so that just good memories can make their way to the mind without any obstacles. I mean, there will be only good ones left then so you will inevitably remember just them.

However, remembering the bad can happen but only if u really insist on digging up again into the hole to search for that particular bad memory. I do this sometimes... but i would like to stop.

Past is never pink as we tend to imagine it after it has past. But when i start lookin back i start smiling without even realizing it. It’s funny when my roommate will turn her head and look at me with that questioning look asking if im all right. Oh, yes, i am all right. I like this backward ride so much since it makes me feel young again and happy coz of all that i have witnessed. Then there are so many things you will connect with other many things and you will get the whole picture which will unfold itself with all the faces, colours and emotions and you end up in a completely distant and brighter place than where you actually are (the bed in the room, as is my case) – in a memory!

That is why i like dreaming so much! I dream all the time.. everything.. anybody ... seriously! Sometimes i even wake up and pray for me to stop dreaming coz it is exhausting! It really is.. dreaming every night crazy weird things.. sometimes very terrifying and depressing. But then.. there are the cool dreams.. that i would like to repeat the night after or go to bed immediately after i woke up in order to continue them! I really love those ones.. Sometimes they are so real that i can even feel in them. Such dreams are almost better than reality..

You never know what future can bring. But you might just have an idea. And then when you see that this idea is starting to materialize in actual reality, you are shocked and your heart starts jumping and bumping everywhere in your chest! That’s what happened to me! I am not certain of whether past or dreams had more influence but they certainly did...