Patriotism - the odd version

I do understand that i become quite controversial at times. At one point you will hear me spitting sh*t on my country for all the bad and repulsive things i know you find there (or at least i do since i know them..). Whenever I happen to be in this ALL-AGAINST mood of mine, anyone who tries to defend or say anything good with regards to those disgusting me things/people/characteristics/etc. will find it quite hard to deal with my anger. I become all crazy and furious and noone can put me down. But then..
Then I have my other mood - the nostalgic i-love-my-country and i-miss-all-the-good-things-there MOOD. I know, sounds random and so weird. We do have so much potential and so many bright/intelligent/smart/talented/amazing people out there... it is so sad though that the mass of idiots manage to take everything - from power/politics to popularity to tv/music, etc...   When i listen to something of quality, it makes me even more sad for the fact that if these people were abroad, they could actually be successful and famous and recognized. It gets me down.. It's like this nation has been created to only suffer and struggle and never make it.. (okay, we made it to EU.. but what...) It is surprising how stupid and ignorant people would actually feel okay and happy amidst everything.. Pity i'm not one.. Or am i blessed? Does struggle make us more and more unhappy or it leads to perfection?

"Breaking The Habit"

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

[Bridge:]
I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

[Bridge:]
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight 

You Think You Knew. But You Still Have No Idea!

Wait, wait. Some people think they know me. Do you really believe that?
Um.. okay, according to my own statistics, the people with highest probabilities of knowing me are like three? Maximum 4.
But hey, even I don't think I know me! Or at least I am not confident stating it. So I just don't :)

In fact - now making use of my advanced psychological knowledge - I think I am just smart enough to use this 'not being confident in really knowing myself' statement to justify myself and more particularly any actions of mine which do not quite correspond to anything people know about me.
Here comes the logical question: why do i like doing this?? That's kind of sick, you know. What's my sickness then?


I think I know, I think I know. Can I say, can I say? Please? 
I have this crush. A crush on.. shocking. 'Shocking' like a thing; like something i love to do and be described as! Man, isn't that ODD! :) But I love to shock - everyone around but also myself. It is like testing yourself and how far you can go. 


Obviously, no bungee jumping in mind! (GOD, I'll never ever do that!)
The adverse side of this 'crush' of mine is usually omitted at first and not fully realized. It is substantial though: right when I manage to make a decision and I believe I've decided it for good, my shocking 'crush' comes to ruin it all for me! So it turns out as if I keep on pretending and then keep on betraying on myself.. Or is it just an anti-dote to boring life and ordinariness? Possible? Logical?

Questions - too many. I am not sure about the answers. I am certain you don't know them either. 
Conclusion: I told you - you don't know me but I don't mind if you try:)