The importance of Closure

I had the strangest dream a couple of nights ago, a dream which made me wake up in the middle of the night shaking, sweating and more than shocked. Why had I dreamt of him?
First thing I felt when I woke up - after the initial shock - was guilt and confusion. Yes, I had dreamt of an ex-boyfriend. That dream made me feel unfaithful even if it was nothing like that (yep, nothing hot, I promise!). How come it was so powerful even if so subtle?
Even more strange - the night after I dreamt of another eX.. but that was different. I woke up very well, light  and somehow with a smile on. What was happening? Was my subconsciousness trying to point out something?
It should be screaming something loud but oddly coded if it made me dream once more of that same person who woke me in panic just a couple of nights before that.

I definitely do not miss those guys and most certainly have no feelings whatsoever towards them. Is the fact that one relationship ended up without having any 'let's sit and talk this over'- phase had something to do?
When I thought about it more carefully, it suddenly struck me that my last four (at least) relationships have ended with no closure, one way or another it seems that I chose so. Was I doing it because I simply thought it is better? Almost certainly yes. Was it really the best solution? Almost certainly not. What did i do wrong then? Nothing much BESIDES avoiding closure.

It is regardless really of the side of the equation you end up being at - the one left or 'the left-ee' (not quite sure whether my word-construction exercise is working out so just to clear it out the second side is the one WHO left.) At the particular point in time we somehow tend to think (i.e. our mind plays wicked games with us and tricks us into thinking that) we are better off switching our cell phones off/ hiding/ ripping up photos, any left belongings, etc. (extreme cases but they say it works). Put more formally, in general it mainly consists of persistent avoidance of that person and anything linked to them in any way on Earth possible.
There are plenty of reasons one can list justifying such behavior and we all know it - we have to be strong, move on, pretend as if nothing happened, forget about it, etc. etc. That is not what I am interested in. I wish to find out why this is not the best (long-term-wise) solution.

As they say one has to face their Demons to get rid of them. In no way here I am depicting your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend as a Demon.
Those are the fears, always bugging questions and why-s related to that person. And those will not just disappear, believe me. We might think they have vanished but in reality they can only be buried inside of us until settled.
Sooner or later they have to be, don't they? I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we better gulp down and settle what needs to be settled and solve what needs to be solved till the end right there at the spot. You wouldn't like to wake up in a hysteric panic a year after and wonder why this nightmares keep chasing you. I know.

As impossible as it always seems, I say we get real; stop hiding, face all that stuff we have going on in our heads that we have to face, get closure, we have to! You owe it to yourself, to set the account straight and get to peace at least in your head.

Wait, wait, as a matter of fact I think I finally got it - our brain is like a hard drive, stuffed with so many memories besides everything else. So we need to make some space from time to time, right? We don't need to erase really but archive, put all burdening and heavy memories in a box in a corner of our mind so we can free some needed space for the great new. I am quite convinced this is the point of 'you have no free space left' that I find myself in right now and my brain is alarming me. Girl, you better clear all the clutter and get ready to fill that space with some shiny new amazing moments!

We have to...
Easy said, right?

Relation-ships

I skyped with a special friend of mine some time ago and it made me realize something as big as shocking - that there is probably a maximum of 3 persons in my life whom I can be completely and fully open and myself with and not try to pretend anything or play games. Yeah, games are fun... when you are eighteen. From then on why play? It is so burdensome this whole pretentious image-building exercise but yet everyone keeps on acting on a daily basis. This is so twisted..

As twisted a it is, it appears that playing games is a well-approved of strategy to go about getting laid, getting a guy/girl, one day hopefully this leading to an actual relationship, wedding, kids. The rest I am sure you know for yourselves. How exactly is me pretending to be somebody else rather than myself going to get me to the point of committing to someone else because I am his other half? Doesn't it sound all crazy?

Relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends, girlfriends, boyfriends, marriage - everyone's got something to say about it. But who really says anything and who's got the right to say something? Apparently single people are no good in this society (at least that's the public view, that same pretentious Public). Odd, having in mind that most of all those 'couples' out there are either not for each other - whatever that implies as per The Public; either playing games for the sake of it or simply being 'together' in order to BE because they are scared of being lonely. My question is: Why do people get on that ship, without being sure they have got a ticket?

First of all, why would I want someone, just anyone, by my side like an accessory? I would rather get a bag with the same effect, wouldn't I? You realize how superficial people's perspective on relationships is especially when they come to you and pop up the ever so annoying question: 'Is it serious?!' The word serious can be defined in so many ways, and yet, I can hardly think of anyone who refers to something else than 'serious as in ready for marriage and all that follows'. Why is this all that counts in this society? It doesn't matter whether one has a deep connection or cherishes the one next to them on a higher level?
One thing is for certain: If I want someone by my side, this someone has to erase everything else and give new meaning to things. He will show me another side of life which I never knew before, he would make me feel safe, grateful, good, enlightened.

It's only when I lose myself with someone else that I find myself.
Probably my favourite song of Depeche Mode; possibly the truest statement ever. Why? Many think that self-exploration comes with solitude and too much time spent on digging deep down within to understand yourself. Which is indeed correct.

There is only so much however to the lone discovery of the self, it is limited so you can't really obtain the thorough widescreen perspective of your self which was your initial intention. What then?
I have discovered just recently that one only finds themselves when they actually lose themselves with someone else. Yeah, exactly how complicated does that sound. Believe me, it isn't really. There is one big obstacle to reaching this and if you manage to go beyond it, your quest is almost solved. This great hurdle is the inability or more the fear of letting go one's self when being with someone, letting go of all controls, all what if-s, brakes or step backs in one's head.

What do you get? I knew you were going to ask that question since all of us humans are get-oriented, we hardly do things for the sake of it; I am assuming that maths in our head is very strongly planted. Back to the prize - you will get to experience something amazing, something so magical it is hard if not impossible to explain with words. From my experience it is as if your soul connects with this other person's soul and you end up feeling something so strong and pulling as if you have two souls. It probably sounds nuts what you are reading, only until  the moment you actually feel it and then there will be no mistake, you will recognize it!

How is all this going to end? Everybody wants to know, in advance. But you cannot, and you'd better not! No one can possibly foresee the future (yep, I do not quite believe in Nostradamus) and this is our blessing! Should we have known something will not last, we would not have started it in the first place and would have never gone through the joy and passion and soul connection that we have experienced. I/We are already lucky, you know, most humans never really got that far - to know this side of themselves. So spread your arms wide people and embrace a true connection!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGkbuptJo2I&ob=av2e

Sincerely yours,
Me

Rain

It was raining today, all night and almost all day. It wouldn't have mattered if I didn't have to walk twenty minutes on my way back home after work. It was not so much rainy as it was windy, therefore after 10 meters attempting to walk with an umbrella, I had to swear once or twice and give it up.

I believe that was a sign, from God possibly. It was one of the best walks in the rain I've ever had - a purifying one. I walked and at one point I started crying. I walked and cried till I got home, it actually felt so good that I wanted to keep on walking.  It does relieve you from a lot you know, it is amazing, I might get addicted to it even. But what am I going to turn into - a big crying baby? People go to the gym to release the stress, I would simply walk and cry in the dark. Funny.

Was it the Rain that made me burst out? Hardly. Everything else BUT the Rain. The Rain was the washing-away power which would help me get up tomorrow morning and keep up with this shit routine and fake smiling. I could only wish I was naked, probably the purifying effect would have been twofold. Probably.

Lovely

You know what I'm thinking about right now? I'm thinking of a Christmas, not a random Christmas though, a whatever one, but a Christmas with you. This is how I wish my next Christmas will be - full of you, your warmth, care and joy that you give to me. It's been a while since I had one like this and I do believe you can make it more than a merry one :)
I want to whisper in your sweet ear 'Merry Christmas, baby' and kiss you softly on your smooth like a little baby butt cheeks. Then I'll touch your cherry lips, rub them gently, stare at you and kiss them.
We won't need to do anything special to make it special. I just want to sit there, wherever, with you, and watch the lights and all the decorations, no matter how ridiculous they are.
And believe it or not, I won't need any presents, any toys or goodies, because you're the only teddy bear I would need. And would just hope you feel the same and that I am your only present needed.

Should I stay or should I go

I have been finding myself on the crossroads far too many times recently. Is it me, is it the weather, I really don't know but this point of the way where confusion seems to be just slightly too much that it makes you stop, look around and make a decision, is really not as much fun as one might wish.

This time I feel very much challenged because of a clash of behaviours. Still undecided with regards to this particular surrounding (or to be really precise it should be in plural..), I keep on asking myself: should I stay or should I go. Go where you would say?

This month has been particularly crazy - too much and too many involved and I think my head is spinning from having to figure out what each and everyone is in fact having on his mind. I can't understand why they are constantly trying to mess with me (as in mess up my head). Can't you just be real? Isn't it that simple? Can't it be?

Sippin' out of my decaff coffee at 4:15am, it kind of looks to me that men have become BIGGER and maybe BETTER gossip girls than women ever were and could be! No kidding!
Once the firm and tough shoulder for women to lean on, men seem to have turned to the soft side of a relationship - if there can be one at all these days. They have become more curious, whinier, bitchier, crossing their legs more often, etc. Why are we switching the roles? Is there a problem? Apparently the status quo is not working out any longer but only unofficially, ha.

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I decided to let ten days pass in order to check whether any of my thoughts in this regard will have changed or been modified by something or someone before eventually pressing the publish post button. Time does not seem to be in favour though.

They say you don't get what you want but what you need. Well, this is exactly what I want (I guess) - to get what I need.
But am I artificially creating a need on my own for my own and how healthy is that? What do I need to be and what/who do I need? And do I, at all? I do not really need someone in particular as long as I have one/s who care. (once again, is this a wish or a need?)
Hence, are these the people that should be surrounding me? Fun is fun.. but is it worth the bulls*t?

At the end, I believe life gives us more or less what we need and right now I guess I needed to doubt.
I'm thinking... Maybe it is about time to say goodbye and let the surreal faking be without my presence.. maybe.. maybe..

P.s. I wish I'd rap this song: Atmosphere - Trying to Find A Balance

I Feel So..

Best feeling in the world? Do you know which one it is? I know what it is: it is when you had fallen apart and then you get back up again!

I while ago I saw this movie called Blue Valentine. It is about a love story; an amazing great compelling love story and its ugly horrific end.. It made me think: are all love stories bound to end no matter how beautiful and true they are or they look like they are, do they all have an expiration date? I mean, I am not even 100% sure whether such insanely big love exists but I believe it does the same way I believe there is God.
We know from our moms that not all that glitters is gold, right? How would you know though unless you pick it up, try to dust it off and bring it to a jeweler. Waste of time - well, most probably. But how else will we grow them wisdom teeth unless we bump our naive heads a couple (million) times in the wall.. OR is it maybe that we are looking for the wrong commodity (gold instead of copper?)..

(Off-topic or maybe not?) A friend of mine told me that in general guys are clueless. To me it seems that if they are clueless it is because they want to be so. Playing clueless is a soft way of manipulation - pushing the other/s to go forward and express themselves which would usually turn out to be something one can conveniently later on use as an accusation (in insanity, for example) argument. But wait, am I the one who is defective because I seek joy, passion and affection and try to give those away in handfuls.. OR is it you? 

Depeche mode said it doesn't hurt to get but be careful what you give. If you want to be careful, then stay home! I do not want to be careful; I want to give and be given. I am going to live my life thy way I need to and with the positiveness and jump for joy that I need.

To the people who pick us up and to the people who pick me up - thank you. You are my pure shores.

Do I have it all figured out? Hell no. But it doesn't hurt to pretend I do. One thing I know for sure is I am too fabulous to be sad. 

Turned DoWn

I don't like it when I'm down. And noone really does. It is like they are all used to me being all happy and sunny that when I'm down it feels like a crime and the craziest thing of all is that I am the criminal.

What's my problem? I want to be given Joy, simple as that. I need it too, you know, at least to replenish my inner bag of Joy which I usually spread around the world and is bound to hit rock bottom at some point. Nothing is forever. I cannot always give and give.. and give.. and then they just take without thinking. It becomes a habit and then who's the loser? Me, the one left with a completely empty bag of Joy - Non-joy. 

Where is the missing link? What about reciprocity, where did that go? I don't know who removed it from the equation but I vote we put that back right where it belongs. Or else I cannot make it. There's no need for a complete balance but at least for an attempt of one. At the end, I'm just a small little girl brought up to this world to make it smile.. but hey, I am a living being and need sunshine too! 

Where is my sunshine?