Patriotism - the odd version

I do understand that i become quite controversial at times. At one point you will hear me spitting sh*t on my country for all the bad and repulsive things i know you find there (or at least i do since i know them..). Whenever I happen to be in this ALL-AGAINST mood of mine, anyone who tries to defend or say anything good with regards to those disgusting me things/people/characteristics/etc. will find it quite hard to deal with my anger. I become all crazy and furious and noone can put me down. But then..
Then I have my other mood - the nostalgic i-love-my-country and i-miss-all-the-good-things-there MOOD. I know, sounds random and so weird. We do have so much potential and so many bright/intelligent/smart/talented/amazing people out there... it is so sad though that the mass of idiots manage to take everything - from power/politics to popularity to tv/music, etc...   When i listen to something of quality, it makes me even more sad for the fact that if these people were abroad, they could actually be successful and famous and recognized. It gets me down.. It's like this nation has been created to only suffer and struggle and never make it.. (okay, we made it to EU.. but what...) It is surprising how stupid and ignorant people would actually feel okay and happy amidst everything.. Pity i'm not one.. Or am i blessed? Does struggle make us more and more unhappy or it leads to perfection?

"Breaking The Habit"

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

[Bridge:]
I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

[Bridge:]
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight 

You Think You Knew. But You Still Have No Idea!

Wait, wait. Some people think they know me. Do you really believe that?
Um.. okay, according to my own statistics, the people with highest probabilities of knowing me are like three? Maximum 4.
But hey, even I don't think I know me! Or at least I am not confident stating it. So I just don't :)

In fact - now making use of my advanced psychological knowledge - I think I am just smart enough to use this 'not being confident in really knowing myself' statement to justify myself and more particularly any actions of mine which do not quite correspond to anything people know about me.
Here comes the logical question: why do i like doing this?? That's kind of sick, you know. What's my sickness then?


I think I know, I think I know. Can I say, can I say? Please? 
I have this crush. A crush on.. shocking. 'Shocking' like a thing; like something i love to do and be described as! Man, isn't that ODD! :) But I love to shock - everyone around but also myself. It is like testing yourself and how far you can go. 


Obviously, no bungee jumping in mind! (GOD, I'll never ever do that!)
The adverse side of this 'crush' of mine is usually omitted at first and not fully realized. It is substantial though: right when I manage to make a decision and I believe I've decided it for good, my shocking 'crush' comes to ruin it all for me! So it turns out as if I keep on pretending and then keep on betraying on myself.. Or is it just an anti-dote to boring life and ordinariness? Possible? Logical?

Questions - too many. I am not sure about the answers. I am certain you don't know them either. 
Conclusion: I told you - you don't know me but I don't mind if you try:)

'I hate that part'

I'm a fighter but sometimes it gets me too - I can keep myself together and encourage everyone around for so long but then suddenly I'll break down. And what I really hate is that itchy feeling in my eyes - that one right before tears start filling them up. The ever more absurd thing is that I get down so easily by slight embarrassment or tiny situation which did not go the way I planned. Ah, now I remember why I started hating planning and refused to do it - it is simply disappointing because, come on, how many of your plans do actually materialize in that same way you imagined them in your head? So, okay, planning sux, I won't do it, so I guess I'll be safe. What about embarrassments? You cannot protect yourself from them. They happen and weirdly enough they feel as bad as if you have just fallen on your face in the middle of some central city square, almost every time, almost regardless of their nature and fatality. What am I to do then; how do I deal with darned embarrassment issue? Should I put my guard down? Should I feel shit for the rest of the week (just for the record - it's only Monday!)? I know what I need ... A good laugh with someone fun' n 'funny! Anyone?

The Way...Back

I guess I believe in second chances. Sure, it depends on the circumstances and subjects involved but still it is good policy. I decided to give Malta a second chance and sure enough I am more than glad I did so!
See, the thing is that things can be so similar but yet so different at the same time. It all comes down to your own perception and motivation. If you are striving for something and you are enough motivated to go for it, then I believe you are pretty much on the way of getting it.
Experience, obviously, has its say too. I managed to take 14 flights across three particular countries in 8 months and eventually it just brought me back to where I started off.
It is so different though! Malta is different and yet the same - finally feels home! (I say 'finally' because I used to look for the 'home feeling' elsewhere not even a single thought crossing my mind that it can actually be Malta) I want to be different but yet still ME. Yes, in fact I would like to be the better ME and I will be! Determination is everything, right? :) I promise you this - this time around I won't look any place else and I won't whine around or try to escape as soon as problems come on the surface. No! I will stay put and be positive - if I could write it on my cv, then I could actually do it! To sum up, I will be a slightly grown-up version of myself and endure whatever there is to be endured in order to have the life I was seeking for so long.
So.. I guess you'd ask how does it feel to be back to the place which I used to hate and was so impatient to leave the second I could?! WELL, it feels GREAT, man! I am telling you.. I haven't felt that good in quite some time... good as in healthy state of the mind. When you have a good feeling about something, you relax and just enjoy the feeling. No stress:) That is me right now! I feel something good is on its way and I am simply preparing to embrace it and give it a good bear hug :-D And.. And I want to embrace anything else that I have simply thrown out during my 4-year stay and I mean it! I kinda feel as if I have been given a second chance and not the other way round! Is this destiny? It's interesting to note that I flew my way here a week or so before the volcano Island errupted! Get my point?
Im OFF now. Im just gonna go lie and chill listening to music and enjoying my feeling of satisfaction. Cheerz :D

Love = Loyalty = Love ?

It is incredible how we live life in a fast lane and never have the time to think about how fragile everything actually is.

Life is to be lived together with someone/s and not on our own.
When we find people we cherish and care about, we should never let go! No matter where they are, how they are, whom they are with, how stubborn they are, etc... Love equals loyalty and vice versa. We cannot claim that we love if we don't intend to be loyal, ForeveR! Of course we are all just human (you know what i mean). Loyalty in this case is implied in its stronger version which is namely mental and soul loyalty.

These are the secret messages that ''Hachiko - a dog's story'' sends out. A truly inspiring (maybe too simplistic at first sight) movie that tells the tale about man and his best friend - the dog. It is based on a true story which really happened during the 1920s in Japan and it reveals the strong connection that can exist between a man and a dog - i personally believe it is probably stronger than relations between people. Hachi gets so attached to its master that after his sudden death, the poor dog keeps on waiting for him on the same train station for nine years hoping it will see the day when he - The Master - will come out of the station gate AGAIN. This cute dog, an animal, manages to express better than any human how persons marking our hearts and lives stay with us forever, how lost we can be without them and how the severe pain of missing them wouldn't let us have a 'normal' life anymore.

I can only advise you to get a couple napkins and watch the movie.
I can only hope that this world needs more of those movies for romantic rather than simply 'reminding' reasons (reminding in the sense that they show us what we are supposed to be like, do and feel).

My final urge is the following: let's live in a way that we will not regret because 'tomorrow is never promised today' (quoting Alicia Keys - Like you'll never see me again) .. and please

Love Like You'll Never See each other Again..

When a journey is over

I can't help having mixed feelings now that the Green Light For Business Conference is all behind. 


Every journey is full of emotions, situations and various experiences - there will always be a couple of negative ones but most of them will be positive in one way or another. Why did i end up with this mix of satisfaction, happiness, frustration and apathy if the event was a success from a business and personal point of view? 

The day following the end of the Conference my skype's profile message has been set to 'back to life' but.. I would rather say that what has just finished was kind of LIFE. It felt like blood transfusion right when i so severely needed it! I am satisfied with myself and the work i managed to do/took part in; I am also more than satisfied for the fact that i got to know what my strengths are with respect to other teammates' skills; I am extremely satisfied knowing that i possess something more than others. Last but not least, I'm also satisfied because I discovered (things about) myself in a setting that has not occurred to me ever before.


Uhm, what was next on the list? Ah ye. 
I am happy, oh, so so happy it all happened to me - that i met all those people, spent time, shared knowledge (this is really too formally put) and had some fun along the way.

I am not having illusions though. 
I am not deluding myself with sorts of thoughts like 'now i have made friends'. At the same time, I would always secretly hope that this might actually be true. That is why I am frustrated - somehow I feel that we will not go to bars and discos together ot gather in someone's rented studio to just bullshit and laugh. I just don't see it coming. 
Obviously, one cannot force people to be his/her friends (okay, unless you are extremely rich or some mafia guy) so what do we do when nothing happens?
We move on and look AHEAD. What's good was good and noone can erase it (oh, except the Haitian from HEROES :P). 


No whining and crying, no, no. Life is about meeting people and having an impact. Even if this means you get to spend time with someone for 2 days only. You cannot or more like SHOULD NOT say NO to your opportunities to meet and impact just because it seems short and pointless or even worse - painful. You never know when and how this meeting, this tiny little moment of socializing and impacting will actually have its big impact on you. And it almost always does;]


What about apathy? Well, I'm just a human at the end and can't help being overhelmed by feelings, emotions and confusion sometimes, you know. All i need is some time to clear my head and think straight. When i do that, I will eventually realize all the good stuff - everything i've gained (which includes my first ever business card, yey!), all i've learnt AND  all pure goodness I've done for the sake of it without no material gain:) (there should always be such a component or otherwise stories will never have a good ending or at least they will not serve purpose as bedtime stories for our grandchildren).....

So here I am.. terminating the Green Light For Business Conference 2010. I won't fuss and I won't fight for what's been lost or for what has not happened. 
The END should be a good one, a good one. So walk away ... with your smile on .. this is how you will be remembered.