Burnout

I am in the business of giving and most often than not this means giving pieces of my heart away – usually (but not limited) to human beings. And this is not it: we give instructions, we openly share knowledge and experience, we transfer emotions of positivity and joy. All this needs to come from somewhere – our well of energy within our soul. But a well is a well and it is not eternal, unless purposefully taken care of. It can very easily get depleted if we don’t pay attention to the amount of energy we have been taking out.

A burnout is a seriously unpleasant condition to find one’s self in. And I did. By the time I realized it was a burnout, there wasn’t much to do to undo it. The consequences: a halt in my normal routine and yoga lifestyle which started off due to a persistent pain in the lower back and then amassed to feeling sick for a week. I feel weak and out of focus.

So where is the good news? Of course, there is good news. This time was all about cleansing – both physically and mentally. Nonetheless, it bonded us and made us feel even closer as we were in this thing together, literally.

As much as it is important to learn from such experiences, it is ever better to avoid going this far. To help you learn from my mistakes, I’ve put a short list of tips to help you stay sane in this hectic world and in a good mental and physical condition:

1. Take a mental count of your daily interactions and know when enough is enough. Very, very important! If you’ve had a busy social day where you had to face and talk to a number of persons, then be reasonable and have a quiet restful evening for yourself. I find that people often confuse quiet and restful with boring, which is wrong.
2. Do not be afraid to say NO. Don’t take on more responsibilities than you can take, don’t promise too often, don’t meet people when you really don’t feel like. I know, it is a lot of don’t-s, but they are necessary. Oh, and another one – don’t worry about what people would say. Those who have to, will understand. And the rest – do I really need to comment on those people?
3. Plan for a rest: in the best scenario, you would plan for a daily rest – be it an hour or so, you need this time to recharge in order to face the world smiling again. Should you know for a fact that you would have a couple of busy days in a row, please be kind to yourself and schedule a well-deserved break afterwards. A day or two spent in nature would do the trick.
4. Breathe A WHOLE LOT!

I told you it was a short list! Namaste

Fear vs. Love

We are CONDITIONED (and I'd like to highlight this word as much as I can) to 'think' that fear and love are antonyms, the opposite sides of a coin, 180 degrees far off.  

But hey, I've a revelation to offer you right this second: Fear and Love are not the opposite sides of a coin; instead, they are one and the same thing seen from a different angle. And you yourself are the only one who's got the power to change the angle. The question is: Why would you and why do you?

When you love, you simply love - without any further thoughts, considerations, expectations, conditions, circumstances. When any of these ‘bad boys’ come into the picture though, love begins to step backwards and fear starts to settle in. This unfortunate transition is quite easy to spot in today’s relationships. People tend to fear of losing their loved one to someone else, of boredom settling in, etc. As soon as we start to fear, we start to act differently and this is immediately felt by the other side in the equation. This change in mental predisposition and attitude is what eventually changes everything and usually materializes those same fears. Do not get into that vicious circle, I beg you. I had to learn the hard way - even though I trust all hardships are simply exercises to make us better and stronger. Love without anything further or in between; no need to fear.  

Almost identical… but not so much - the topic of suffering. 

I read today the following which completely resonates with my recent discoveries: Suffering is the result of clinging. Clinging as in holding on to something to the point of desperation. Remember this: you can’t cling forever, it gets tiresome and you would have to let go, one way or another. Let go now, take a leap of faith, win more and lose less by letting time and space offer you new horizons. Stop clinging to one thing. It is like eating only potatoes, how long will you be able to sustain this?  

Very related to fear is of course worry so I feel the need to touch up on this too. Similarly to fear and clinging, worry is useless. Why? Because worrying is practically equal to planning for a negative future. All that worrying can do it shift your focus so that you no longer pay attention to the good stuff happening around you that deserve celebration. It has been said a million times, but doesn’t hurt to repeat this once again: worrying today does not take your troubles away, it only takes today’s peace away.

Think positive and look for positive in order to truly FIND positive. And yes, it does works. Just try it! 

It's Springtime, awareness time

It seems that every spring brings something new with itself. At least from my perspective. But this is how it is going to be, right? Another spring, another life. To me this spring has brought in realization.

Most of you know I have been practicing yoga for some time now. I’d like to tell you about an experience I had two weeks ago (this is not to undermine yoga’s ability to deliver ‘an experience’ every single time). I was ‘locked in’ – a phrase I like to use to imply I have been studying all day; hence I needed a release break. I put my mat on the floor and started. I am not completely sure what it was, but at one point I started seeing things – like castles in the skies, fields of flowers and gold, sunshine, all glittering in front of my eyes (even though what really was there was the sink). What does this mean? Have I gotten used to being with my SELF? Have I discovered where bliss hides?

I’ve been reading a lot lately. All kinds of written words, sentences, proverbs, pieces of wisdom. I especially liked what one girl wrote on her social media profile: that we are all light, part of the big light, so there is nothing to fear or worry about. We are here to be light, so we shall shine with all we have – smile, be happy and spread joy. And light. I have also been observing a lot – there is plenty to observe and we don’t have to especially go on the hunt and look for it, it is all around us. Just pull your blinders up and you will see pictures being painted before you. Can you imagine yourself standing in a green field talking to a donkey and a horse? No? Then you must try it! I did that a week ago and it was another one of those blissful experiences - the connection with nature and its creatures felt natural and essential even. I felt good and much lighter after conversing with the donkey and caressing the horse on its head (yes, it allowed me!). I can only imagine they felt the same J  

Back to urban land, I have noticed something which is considered as kind of normal but is also kind of petrifying. People have got used to getting used. I guess I need to elaborate a little.

You could put any verb after this sentence and it will probably remain true. I will give you an example:   People have got/are used to… EXPECTING.  People have got/are used to… LOVING. People have got/are used to… TALKING. You see what I mean? Do you notice how even the ‘positive’ note of ‘LOVING’ is lost because people are now used to it, therefore there is no more flame in it. Talking, on the other hand, was once a useful tool for communication, which has leveled down to simply an act of passing the time. We no longer speak about the important stuff because if we do, we might be excluded from society and titled ‘ODD’. So we remain in society and we follow the rules of expecting. I know, I was there once not too long ago as well. We walk through life expecting the next Christmas, another season, our next birthday. It becomes even more problematic – we have become unable to just go with it without the frantic need to plan the next thing, step, meal, and meeting. You can hardly find a person just strolling alone with pleasure, not going anywhere, not hurrying for anything in particular. Why did we turn our life into some frantic hunt for the unknown variable? I don't know. What I know and can say with the certainty of someone who's had the experience herself is that such a life could be turned around - in less than a year, even in less than 3 months, should you REALLY WANT IT TO.

I believe in taking your life in your hands and building it the way you want it to be. I always did and had always tried to even though I was not always ready to. Remember – without a shift in thinking, there could be no shift in attitude. So read, learn, open your eyes to the other sides of the stories, and make that shift now. Because every day - in your newly found happy place, matters. Take a moment to live, and live NOW! This has been a marvelous realization for me, I wish it will be for you too. 

New Year’s Re-Solutions

And yet again, it is that time of the year when we make various promises, either false or not, to start doing something, stop doing another thing, keep doing something else. In order to do that successfully, we need to uncover adverse tendencies in our past behavior and willingly and relentlessly go about rooting such out.

I will here share some of the findings I made regarding my self before compiling my NY's resolutions list:

To begin with, I will start with the most shocking and groundbreaking discovery I am quite glad to have made at a still 'fragile' age: We cannot, and therefore, should not rely on others for our own happiness. Yes, I know it is hard and probably seems impossible to many of you right now, however I ensure you this is the only road to real, indestructible happiness. I am guilty of relying way too many times on another person's predisposition/mood/feelings in order to have me feeling good and satisfied. I can justify such past behavior by saying that something in me did it because I cared for that person, more than I wanted and I was so weak that he could influence me. Well, I could say that. From the place I am currently at, it seems as if I were the one to blame, not the other person. I was selfish enough to place the burden of my own well-being in another person's hands. I know I would never disappoint myself if I have to trust me and only me to be happy. Lesson learned. No one is responsible for your happiness but YOU.

You know what else? Planning for the future sucks big time. So hereby I make a resolution to not plan anything farther than 3 months ahead. Let's be real, everyone does it; we are programmed by some unknown 'higher' hidden force or power to do so. Do you ever question why you keep planning for things to do in the future and keep postponing stuff for 'later on' in life, or - my favorite of all - for 'when the right time comes'? How can people be so convinced they will actually HAVE all that time at their hands? It truly starts to piss me off seeing young people act as if their life is over because it is not up to their perfect taste or liking. Get up and do something about it, will ya? Personally, I am thirsty for life and do not and cannot wait until whenever later on. Yes, great things might happen, but why not go for some already now? All it takes is a step forward and the ability to shun from others' opinions as they are most certainly the force dragging you back.

I do not want to fear, do you? With no fear I can live my days openly, fully, satisfyingly and with no regret. I want to experience, see, travel, swim in the thick waters of the unknown, which will test my reflexes and remind me in every single moment that I am alive. And I will be grateful for it. We forget way too often this is a blessing, to be here, right now. Some religious people might correct me here that it is actually the other way round - here and now is where we are punished and tested. Hm, seriously, take a look around, don't we have this beautiful world to discover?

And, finally, here are my resolutions for this new and lovely 2014 year:
I will continue to BE ME
I will go on with my YOGA practice and REACH new heights
I will try to bring down to minimum my tendency to act like a DRAMA QUEEN
I will gain more KNOWLEDGE every day
I will see it all in PINK
I will keep spreading ENERGY inexhaustibly
I will learn to LET GO
I will study and LEARN German
I will manage to MEDITATE without having a billion thoughts in my mind
I will be OPEN to new opportunities and possibilities
I will learn how to MISS WITHOUT being SAD
I will continue to FIGHT OFF the widespread frustration, aimlessness and feeling of worthlessness some individuals try to get under my skin
I will RELAX and teach others to as well
I will find more things to APPRECIATE within me
I will continue SMILING, every chance I get
I will LOVE

In brief, I intend to

Source: susiss.livejournal.com

How about you?

Keep digging.. NOT

I used to like thinking, occasionally. And then I got freed from it. I was happy. What happened?

Something messes my head a little bit and there we go again on that same old rusty merry-go-round. Why did he do that, why did I do that, what does that mean, who hides what - it seems we cannot function without over-thinking and complicating matters. We cannot judge life and people by the deeds only, can we, but always gotta dig deeper and look for.. God knows what really? We keep digging though, and going crazier in the process. Why can't we stop and have enough of it, enough of what we have and not look further any longer? We can't.

Makes me wonder who with a right mind created us so things-oriented instead of mindful, compassionate and vision-oriented!? Oh, wait, I guess we did this ourselves? The fat question standing now right in front of me, you and us is whether we still have what it takes to reverse this and go back to being humans in the first place and consuming machines in the second.

Road writings

I feel it now, the thing everyone talks about and we all aspire to have. Freedom is so inspiring. It feels as if the sun is always shining, even at night, even when it is raining. The freedom to miss a bus and hop on the next one. The freedom to dance on the last seat of that bus without being bothered whether someone sees. The freedom to roll and lie on the crispy green grass meadows even if you are no longer 5 years old. Freedom is enjoying every single thing, word, noise, touch, smell, feeling; nothing taken for granted, everything accepted as is. It is truly liberating this not-taking-things-seriously and being busy feeling life but you will not believe me until you try it. And when you do, I promise you will be high for this sensational melting feeling.

Am I going crazy or ever more sane? I feel the bliss for finally experiencing what life should be about - joy from simply being. Seeing a tree and being happy for it is there in front of me; loving playing with the kitty for it is another joyful careless being; smiling back at fierce critics for it is the way to fight them back with no harm and show a higher state of mind. No, I am not a superhero but I detect and can breakaway the mental prison walls we all build. At least I try, I need your help as it will come from within. Do you want it?



Liberty, freedom, space, sweet emptiness = all words describing the one and only peace of mind. And your heart, what about the heart's peace you would ask? Once you calm your mind it will transfer to your heart filling it up with love and appreciation for the moment. You'd wish to spread wings and hug the world, embrace the beauty of silence and gaze in people's eyes to feel their energy. Feel, it is how we know we are alive!!!

When you know it is time to..

The time has come when you start feeling your fingers itch and your feet constantly want to move even while asleep. I have to go, I need to, no one told me, I felt it.

Sometimes it is hard to tell whether a shot in the dark will actually hit anything, but I am determined to hit. My target is new peace of mind, new state of mind, new purpose. My life is exciting, never boring, always moving and this is why I have to keep going with my gut - I just change to keep it the same.

I keep remembering every now and then this quote a lecturer told us once: 'The only constant thing in life is change.' If you are afraid of change, then you are afraid of life, and we have to love life even simply for the fact that we have been given it, it is the biggest gift!

The aching to be free of all prejudice and people's plans for me, yes, I will stand up against it and fight for me, for my own direction. Whatever that will be.

In my own world now

Wow, I haven't written since May, lots must have happened, and more certainly I must have had zero time for myself. That is seldom a good thing but in this case it was. I was busy LIVING. My best friend got married, I have grown a lot at work (learning-wise) but definitely way more in my relationship. Sometimes I think I am forgetting the world because of this guy. Am I really, could I or it just doesn't matter, the world?

Of course, of course the world matters, we inhabit it, it should be worth..something? Which part of it shall I be focusing on though - the Past, the Present, the Future?

Some of my beautiful memories vivid as if it was yesterday

Oddly enough there has been a strange phenomenon reoccurring in the last couple of weeks: I have been remembering all these tiny but extremely detailed memories from my childhood past that it had left me wondering. My grandma chopping a chicken's head off and me a little girl observing the whole process till tasty chicken soup was on the table. My best friend and I walking side by side wearing the same pair of jeans, just a couple of sizes different, we were 14 years old. Me being 12 at my village during summer break; I tended to have fun on my own by dancing the day away listening to Backstreet Boys on my mom's Italy-imported cassette-phone.
Why am I running all this through my head now? Something is happening, isn't it? Maybe I wanted to be taken back in the day, my subconsciousness needed that to prepare for what is about to come.

1989 - 2007 - 2012

I am changing, I feel it so strong, I am growing up looking for my purpose and a pure and simple joy from life. Like the gentle touch of his hand on my head or cheek. Seriously, all this is enough for me to see the light of a day. This and much more. He made me realize I don't want to be another human junkie stuffing full of chemicals crisps in my mouth while watching simulations of life on TV. NO! I want to be real, I like real but real is simple and we are just not tuned anymore to this wave. Our brains are totally screwed up by all this 'modern life' and 'complex technologies'. How more will it take until we wipe everything off?

All this makes me think of what I want to do to escape the usual human spiral down. What do I wish to do and go for, what can I and intend to do to separate myself from the automated lost-in-simulation human herd and unfold my potential? The real question here is: Do YOU like what you see? Not the iPhone in your hands, the real big picture I am here referring to. Do you really want to live like this, like everyone else? The standard accumulate-as-much-as-possible-material-shit-as-you-possibly-can human path is not convincing me. Opposed to what we are unfortunately conditioned to 'think', money only buys you comfort and not happiness. So that makes me totally unwilling to spend my life wasting effort, time, relationships in order to secure me having a comfortable sofa (for example). I want to be happy, I live to be happy and being happy makes me want to live!

You want to join me on my mission to reverting back to a simple real part of this Earth being? Please do, I hope you will. Let us go back to old-school ways of communicating, having fun, loving. I wish we would do all these artificiality-free, it is in fact my current dream. I want (us) to be free of addictions and satisfied with little. I need (us) to see the beauty of the simplest forms of existence, caress a puppy on the street, hug a tree, smell a flower and drown in the pure sense.
Life is good to me, life is good to us so why don't we appreciate it? I am a happy being, don't you want to be another one with me today? It is easy I promise, together we only need to make a little push.

The importance of Closure

I had the strangest dream a couple of nights ago, a dream which made me wake up in the middle of the night shaking, sweating and more than shocked. Why had I dreamt of him?
First thing I felt when I woke up - after the initial shock - was guilt and confusion. Yes, I had dreamt of an ex-boyfriend. That dream made me feel unfaithful even if it was nothing like that (yep, nothing hot, I promise!). How come it was so powerful even if so subtle?
Even more strange - the night after I dreamt of another eX.. but that was different. I woke up very well, light  and somehow with a smile on. What was happening? Was my subconsciousness trying to point out something?
It should be screaming something loud but oddly coded if it made me dream once more of that same person who woke me in panic just a couple of nights before that.

I definitely do not miss those guys and most certainly have no feelings whatsoever towards them. Is the fact that one relationship ended up without having any 'let's sit and talk this over'- phase had something to do?
When I thought about it more carefully, it suddenly struck me that my last four (at least) relationships have ended with no closure, one way or another it seems that I chose so. Was I doing it because I simply thought it is better? Almost certainly yes. Was it really the best solution? Almost certainly not. What did i do wrong then? Nothing much BESIDES avoiding closure.

It is regardless really of the side of the equation you end up being at - the one left or 'the left-ee' (not quite sure whether my word-construction exercise is working out so just to clear it out the second side is the one WHO left.) At the particular point in time we somehow tend to think (i.e. our mind plays wicked games with us and tricks us into thinking that) we are better off switching our cell phones off/ hiding/ ripping up photos, any left belongings, etc. (extreme cases but they say it works). Put more formally, in general it mainly consists of persistent avoidance of that person and anything linked to them in any way on Earth possible.
There are plenty of reasons one can list justifying such behavior and we all know it - we have to be strong, move on, pretend as if nothing happened, forget about it, etc. etc. That is not what I am interested in. I wish to find out why this is not the best (long-term-wise) solution.

As they say one has to face their Demons to get rid of them. In no way here I am depicting your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend as a Demon.
Those are the fears, always bugging questions and why-s related to that person. And those will not just disappear, believe me. We might think they have vanished but in reality they can only be buried inside of us until settled.
Sooner or later they have to be, don't they? I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we better gulp down and settle what needs to be settled and solve what needs to be solved till the end right there at the spot. You wouldn't like to wake up in a hysteric panic a year after and wonder why this nightmares keep chasing you. I know.

As impossible as it always seems, I say we get real; stop hiding, face all that stuff we have going on in our heads that we have to face, get closure, we have to! You owe it to yourself, to set the account straight and get to peace at least in your head.

Wait, wait, as a matter of fact I think I finally got it - our brain is like a hard drive, stuffed with so many memories besides everything else. So we need to make some space from time to time, right? We don't need to erase really but archive, put all burdening and heavy memories in a box in a corner of our mind so we can free some needed space for the great new. I am quite convinced this is the point of 'you have no free space left' that I find myself in right now and my brain is alarming me. Girl, you better clear all the clutter and get ready to fill that space with some shiny new amazing moments!

We have to...
Easy said, right?

Relation-ships

I skyped with a special friend of mine some time ago and it made me realize something as big as shocking - that there is probably a maximum of 3 persons in my life whom I can be completely and fully open and myself with and not try to pretend anything or play games. Yeah, games are fun... when you are eighteen. From then on why play? It is so burdensome this whole pretentious image-building exercise but yet everyone keeps on acting on a daily basis. This is so twisted..

As twisted a it is, it appears that playing games is a well-approved of strategy to go about getting laid, getting a guy/girl, one day hopefully this leading to an actual relationship, wedding, kids. The rest I am sure you know for yourselves. How exactly is me pretending to be somebody else rather than myself going to get me to the point of committing to someone else because I am his other half? Doesn't it sound all crazy?

Relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends, girlfriends, boyfriends, marriage - everyone's got something to say about it. But who really says anything and who's got the right to say something? Apparently single people are no good in this society (at least that's the public view, that same pretentious Public). Odd, having in mind that most of all those 'couples' out there are either not for each other - whatever that implies as per The Public; either playing games for the sake of it or simply being 'together' in order to BE because they are scared of being lonely. My question is: Why do people get on that ship, without being sure they have got a ticket?

First of all, why would I want someone, just anyone, by my side like an accessory? I would rather get a bag with the same effect, wouldn't I? You realize how superficial people's perspective on relationships is especially when they come to you and pop up the ever so annoying question: 'Is it serious?!' The word serious can be defined in so many ways, and yet, I can hardly think of anyone who refers to something else than 'serious as in ready for marriage and all that follows'. Why is this all that counts in this society? It doesn't matter whether one has a deep connection or cherishes the one next to them on a higher level?
One thing is for certain: If I want someone by my side, this someone has to erase everything else and give new meaning to things. He will show me another side of life which I never knew before, he would make me feel safe, grateful, good, enlightened.

It's only when I lose myself with someone else that I find myself.
Probably my favourite song of Depeche Mode; possibly the truest statement ever. Why? Many think that self-exploration comes with solitude and too much time spent on digging deep down within to understand yourself. Which is indeed correct.

There is only so much however to the lone discovery of the self, it is limited so you can't really obtain the thorough widescreen perspective of your self which was your initial intention. What then?
I have discovered just recently that one only finds themselves when they actually lose themselves with someone else. Yeah, exactly how complicated does that sound. Believe me, it isn't really. There is one big obstacle to reaching this and if you manage to go beyond it, your quest is almost solved. This great hurdle is the inability or more the fear of letting go one's self when being with someone, letting go of all controls, all what if-s, brakes or step backs in one's head.

What do you get? I knew you were going to ask that question since all of us humans are get-oriented, we hardly do things for the sake of it; I am assuming that maths in our head is very strongly planted. Back to the prize - you will get to experience something amazing, something so magical it is hard if not impossible to explain with words. From my experience it is as if your soul connects with this other person's soul and you end up feeling something so strong and pulling as if you have two souls. It probably sounds nuts what you are reading, only until  the moment you actually feel it and then there will be no mistake, you will recognize it!

How is all this going to end? Everybody wants to know, in advance. But you cannot, and you'd better not! No one can possibly foresee the future (yep, I do not quite believe in Nostradamus) and this is our blessing! Should we have known something will not last, we would not have started it in the first place and would have never gone through the joy and passion and soul connection that we have experienced. I/We are already lucky, you know, most humans never really got that far - to know this side of themselves. So spread your arms wide people and embrace a true connection!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGkbuptJo2I&ob=av2e

Sincerely yours,
Me

Rain

It was raining today, all night and almost all day. It wouldn't have mattered if I didn't have to walk twenty minutes on my way back home after work. It was not so much rainy as it was windy, therefore after 10 meters attempting to walk with an umbrella, I had to swear once or twice and give it up.

I believe that was a sign, from God possibly. It was one of the best walks in the rain I've ever had - a purifying one. I walked and at one point I started crying. I walked and cried till I got home, it actually felt so good that I wanted to keep on walking.  It does relieve you from a lot you know, it is amazing, I might get addicted to it even. But what am I going to turn into - a big crying baby? People go to the gym to release the stress, I would simply walk and cry in the dark. Funny.

Was it the Rain that made me burst out? Hardly. Everything else BUT the Rain. The Rain was the washing-away power which would help me get up tomorrow morning and keep up with this shit routine and fake smiling. I could only wish I was naked, probably the purifying effect would have been twofold. Probably.

Rubber ducks & the rush of blood to the head

I sell ducks for charity. I'm actually serious :) At the hotel we've been selling these little rubber ducklings in a pack of three for charity. A couple of nights ago, I have been told something that only made me think later on – ‘Maya, we’ve been selling so many ducks while you’re on shift!’. Is this a pure coincidence? Maybe it is, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe I remind people passing by the reception of goodness – yes, they do not know me but I guess my smile does the trick.

Probably it is more than that - I tend to spread my inner joy and energy and people relate that to goodness. Good thing, especially when it's for charity :) And why not spread that positive energy when I feel happy? Many look at me and wonder - what exactly is she so happy about; it is like there always has to be something major to make us happy. Can't we just be? To me, every day there is a reason to smile; we either have it (the reason) or we make one, the botton line being smiling and just being happy to be. It is not that hard really, it all comes down to mastering your thoughts and setting up your mind in the right direction.
Well, after all, maybe I've got a reason to smile - or maybe I have decided it will be one of my reasons. Sometimes though I sit and wonder: Have I rushed into something too soon too fast? How could I know the answer to this? I surely could not when the rush of blood to my head was on. But the rush is healthy, you know - adrenaline goes up, you boost with energy, you get the feeling of lively and cheerful joy. What's not to like??

 I saw Eat.Pray.Love the other day. I was lying in my huge bed covered with my two soft duvets and hugging my two bears (the cutest soft toys in the world). Let me not skip the part where I did not stop eating practically anything for like 2 hours. Sounds like almost perfect Heaven? It was. I felt so relaxed that it made me think about how crazy I have been acting recently. So here comes my big conclusion: Apparently, at some point (during the rush) the fear of losing ground and so much sought after balance starts surfacing. What the movie came up with is that sometimes, however, losing balance for love is just part of living well. Am I living well? Or great even? Only time will tell but I do know that I am happy as I am and all I want to do is make others feel the same way.

It is funny how we always tend to relate movies to our own lives. That's why they made them though, right..

It's time for R3v0LuTi0N!

I had the best time of my life during a week exactly one week ago and I mean it. Maybe it always seems like the best time ever with this girl but in this case it is like so many things kept on happening and forces kept on joining in order to provide us with a great time and crazy memories. Ah.. I love memories.. that blessed food for the soul. Or was that love? Maybe it is love. I love to love, be it memories or whatever. It is inner joy that just shines through you.
Having her here changed my life even if only for a short while. It made me remember what I love, what I miss and what I want. It felt so right.
When it feels alright, do we jump and drown in the feeling? I wish, but that is dangerous. We should know how to use the brakes and slow down and take it easy. Yes, we should, we should. But everyone loves a fast car, right? Same thing. It is simply that we feel more alive when the wind is blowing our hair away and there is a chance of being pulled over by the police ;-)

She helped me rediscover freedom and how amazing it feels. Freedom comes with choice. Choice, however, by definition brings complication. See, when there is much to choose from, one ends up loosing their mind wondering which one's better and what to pick and replaying scenarios over and over in order to compare. IT DOES NOT WORK! I couldn't know whether any of your choices are good enough. Only later on things will reveal themselves. So what to do?

Revolutionize yourselves! :)  Break the habit, do the first thing that comes to mind and enjoy the thrill.

RE-VO-LU-TION! Life isn't granted, you know, so why follow the same track and do what others expect/want/tell us to? Stand up against everyone who's too afraid to do what they desire to and show 'em how! When it feels good then why not? Let me live for a lil bit, gosh. I want to drown with crazy, love, joy, surprises. The consequences? Well, life's complicated ANYWAY so we'll have to deal with ridiculously tied knots no matter what we do. Let's at least enjoy the ride :-)

You Think You Knew. But You Still Have No Idea!

Wait, wait. Some people think they know me. Do you really believe that?
Um.. okay, according to my own statistics, the people with highest probabilities of knowing me are like three? Maximum 4.
But hey, even I don't think I know me! Or at least I am not confident stating it. So I just don't :)

In fact - now making use of my advanced psychological knowledge - I think I am just smart enough to use this 'not being confident in really knowing myself' statement to justify myself and more particularly any actions of mine which do not quite correspond to anything people know about me.
Here comes the logical question: why do i like doing this?? That's kind of sick, you know. What's my sickness then?


I think I know, I think I know. Can I say, can I say? Please? 
I have this crush. A crush on.. shocking. 'Shocking' like a thing; like something i love to do and be described as! Man, isn't that ODD! :) But I love to shock - everyone around but also myself. It is like testing yourself and how far you can go. 


Obviously, no bungee jumping in mind! (GOD, I'll never ever do that!)
The adverse side of this 'crush' of mine is usually omitted at first and not fully realized. It is substantial though: right when I manage to make a decision and I believe I've decided it for good, my shocking 'crush' comes to ruin it all for me! So it turns out as if I keep on pretending and then keep on betraying on myself.. Or is it just an anti-dote to boring life and ordinariness? Possible? Logical?

Questions - too many. I am not sure about the answers. I am certain you don't know them either. 
Conclusion: I told you - you don't know me but I don't mind if you try:)