Burnout

I am in the business of giving and most often than not this means giving pieces of my heart away – usually (but not limited) to human beings. And this is not it: we give instructions, we openly share knowledge and experience, we transfer emotions of positivity and joy. All this needs to come from somewhere – our well of energy within our soul. But a well is a well and it is not eternal, unless purposefully taken care of. It can very easily get depleted if we don’t pay attention to the amount of energy we have been taking out.

A burnout is a seriously unpleasant condition to find one’s self in. And I did. By the time I realized it was a burnout, there wasn’t much to do to undo it. The consequences: a halt in my normal routine and yoga lifestyle which started off due to a persistent pain in the lower back and then amassed to feeling sick for a week. I feel weak and out of focus.

So where is the good news? Of course, there is good news. This time was all about cleansing – both physically and mentally. Nonetheless, it bonded us and made us feel even closer as we were in this thing together, literally.

As much as it is important to learn from such experiences, it is ever better to avoid going this far. To help you learn from my mistakes, I’ve put a short list of tips to help you stay sane in this hectic world and in a good mental and physical condition:

1. Take a mental count of your daily interactions and know when enough is enough. Very, very important! If you’ve had a busy social day where you had to face and talk to a number of persons, then be reasonable and have a quiet restful evening for yourself. I find that people often confuse quiet and restful with boring, which is wrong.
2. Do not be afraid to say NO. Don’t take on more responsibilities than you can take, don’t promise too often, don’t meet people when you really don’t feel like. I know, it is a lot of don’t-s, but they are necessary. Oh, and another one – don’t worry about what people would say. Those who have to, will understand. And the rest – do I really need to comment on those people?
3. Plan for a rest: in the best scenario, you would plan for a daily rest – be it an hour or so, you need this time to recharge in order to face the world smiling again. Should you know for a fact that you would have a couple of busy days in a row, please be kind to yourself and schedule a well-deserved break afterwards. A day or two spent in nature would do the trick.
4. Breathe A WHOLE LOT!

I told you it was a short list! Namaste

Fear vs. Love

We are CONDITIONED (and I'd like to highlight this word as much as I can) to 'think' that fear and love are antonyms, the opposite sides of a coin, 180 degrees far off.  

But hey, I've a revelation to offer you right this second: Fear and Love are not the opposite sides of a coin; instead, they are one and the same thing seen from a different angle. And you yourself are the only one who's got the power to change the angle. The question is: Why would you and why do you?

When you love, you simply love - without any further thoughts, considerations, expectations, conditions, circumstances. When any of these ‘bad boys’ come into the picture though, love begins to step backwards and fear starts to settle in. This unfortunate transition is quite easy to spot in today’s relationships. People tend to fear of losing their loved one to someone else, of boredom settling in, etc. As soon as we start to fear, we start to act differently and this is immediately felt by the other side in the equation. This change in mental predisposition and attitude is what eventually changes everything and usually materializes those same fears. Do not get into that vicious circle, I beg you. I had to learn the hard way - even though I trust all hardships are simply exercises to make us better and stronger. Love without anything further or in between; no need to fear.  

Almost identical… but not so much - the topic of suffering. 

I read today the following which completely resonates with my recent discoveries: Suffering is the result of clinging. Clinging as in holding on to something to the point of desperation. Remember this: you can’t cling forever, it gets tiresome and you would have to let go, one way or another. Let go now, take a leap of faith, win more and lose less by letting time and space offer you new horizons. Stop clinging to one thing. It is like eating only potatoes, how long will you be able to sustain this?  

Very related to fear is of course worry so I feel the need to touch up on this too. Similarly to fear and clinging, worry is useless. Why? Because worrying is practically equal to planning for a negative future. All that worrying can do it shift your focus so that you no longer pay attention to the good stuff happening around you that deserve celebration. It has been said a million times, but doesn’t hurt to repeat this once again: worrying today does not take your troubles away, it only takes today’s peace away.

Think positive and look for positive in order to truly FIND positive. And yes, it does works. Just try it! 

Are manners lost forever?

I remember when opening doors for ladies, offering a hand, offering help, greeting and excusing were very normal and kind of a status quo. Manners used to be essential. We used to have gentlemen and we used to have ladies. Manner were the much needed medium for a smooth human interaction. They were probably the thing (okay, maybe one of the things) separating us from animals. Don't you agree?

What does it mean to have manners these days? I bet some people cannot even remember. Are manners lost forever? Who killed them? Which generation pushed them down the drain? Maybe it was me? Nah. Maybe it's the iPhone generation so lost in their social media world and glued to their mobile devices.

I often feel like a black eyed person walking down the street on a sunny day. I'm odd and nice and talkative; since when did this become abnormal? I somehow missed that part. Am I going to get punished for not catching up with the current 'vibe' of impersonation, distance, ambiguity and universal ignorance? I would like to stay with my manners, please. Please. Will I remain running in circles forever isolated?

The matter of the fact is I might. We have lost manners in our relationships too and this makes it ever more impossible for two persons to have a calm, purposeful and useful discussion. Bigger issue arises here. Is it even possible for two people nowadays to actually decide on a path together, one they would walk absolutely side by side, along which they would both be happy and fulfilled? Sounds absurd.
The story goes like this: You make certain choices and decisions and sacrifice little things but sometimes many of them in order to remain with the greater thing. Then it seizes to be so great or you witness the other side completely disregarding your sacrifices, while he/she gets to do whatever the souls seeks (and don't get me wrong here - I fully support soul seeking!). And then? You are left with ... nothing. Not even good manners anymore! Or the other scenario: your other supposedly half compromises in order to remain on your path until the moment he doesn't! Why? Because they did not feel this path theirs any longer since they left behind most of their aspirations.

If only we would all get a huge mirror and are presented with the exact reflection of what we gave.
So... is everything lost?

Openness, Pure Love & Friendships

I figured out something else this evening. And this is how it happened.

It's been hard for me to study these couple of days. I tend to have my focus somewhere else - the inner me, feelings about the world, yoga. Therefore, it was quote painless to convince myself to take my mom to the international movie festival happening in town. And so we went. And remained there for 4 hours; and yes, it was that good. First, we saw an Estonian movie about a so called 'crazy' girl (she doesn't speak to people) who falls in love with the town's drunk and playboy but when one night she disappears with him, everyone turns against him viewing her as the victim of his lustful abuse. Then, we saw a movie from Denmark telling the story of an innocent man accused of molesting a child which happens to be his best friend's daughter whom he takes care of in the kindergarten. Both movies were very powerful and moving, and yes, I shed some tears.

What moved me so much were the simple things things the stories revolved around  - pure love and best friendships built over many years. These two are probably the strongest forces there are out there, we just need to use them as prescribed.
I didn't want to come home but we did so then I remained on the balcony for a good 25 minutes staring at the gloom, cars, rain, the little lights. I eyed quickly the balconies of the blocks nearby to see if there was anyone else out there, sunk in thoughts inspired by the world outside. Shockingly, or not, there were 3 more souls out there, smoking cigarettes, one standing and the other 2 seated with their head resting on their fist. I caught myself wondering whether this is the breed of thinkers left in here - a few smokers and a lost-in-the-movies girl who quite often feels out of space. Where are all the others and what are they doing? Probably mundane daily things - like watching the news, having a beer, washing the dishes. Nothing should be accepted as mundane though as then it impacts our perception and one day we end up perceiving the people we see/are in touch with daily as mundane and tedious. How to counter this? I got it: by being OPEN!

Not sure whether it was the movies or the rain (it tends to have that effect on me) or the lack of sleep lately but I felt a wave of gratitude over me for the pure love and best friendships that I have had and have and will have. I am open about it and wish to remain so. So I told them right away. Please don't keep it in, share, share, and let them others do their skeptical grimaces. From all I know this world is in a desperate need of pure love and best friendships. And the way I see it, it should never be enough or too much to tell the people who make your existence worthwhile how you feel. Do it now. Do it every day.

Peace. & Love

Keep digging.. NOT

I used to like thinking, occasionally. And then I got freed from it. I was happy. What happened?

Something messes my head a little bit and there we go again on that same old rusty merry-go-round. Why did he do that, why did I do that, what does that mean, who hides what - it seems we cannot function without over-thinking and complicating matters. We cannot judge life and people by the deeds only, can we, but always gotta dig deeper and look for.. God knows what really? We keep digging though, and going crazier in the process. Why can't we stop and have enough of it, enough of what we have and not look further any longer? We can't.

Makes me wonder who with a right mind created us so things-oriented instead of mindful, compassionate and vision-oriented!? Oh, wait, I guess we did this ourselves? The fat question standing now right in front of me, you and us is whether we still have what it takes to reverse this and go back to being humans in the first place and consuming machines in the second.

Road writings

I feel it now, the thing everyone talks about and we all aspire to have. Freedom is so inspiring. It feels as if the sun is always shining, even at night, even when it is raining. The freedom to miss a bus and hop on the next one. The freedom to dance on the last seat of that bus without being bothered whether someone sees. The freedom to roll and lie on the crispy green grass meadows even if you are no longer 5 years old. Freedom is enjoying every single thing, word, noise, touch, smell, feeling; nothing taken for granted, everything accepted as is. It is truly liberating this not-taking-things-seriously and being busy feeling life but you will not believe me until you try it. And when you do, I promise you will be high for this sensational melting feeling.

Am I going crazy or ever more sane? I feel the bliss for finally experiencing what life should be about - joy from simply being. Seeing a tree and being happy for it is there in front of me; loving playing with the kitty for it is another joyful careless being; smiling back at fierce critics for it is the way to fight them back with no harm and show a higher state of mind. No, I am not a superhero but I detect and can breakaway the mental prison walls we all build. At least I try, I need your help as it will come from within. Do you want it?



Liberty, freedom, space, sweet emptiness = all words describing the one and only peace of mind. And your heart, what about the heart's peace you would ask? Once you calm your mind it will transfer to your heart filling it up with love and appreciation for the moment. You'd wish to spread wings and hug the world, embrace the beauty of silence and gaze in people's eyes to feel their energy. Feel, it is how we know we are alive!!!

Stone wall fences

What do you do when yo get the urge to scream, cry, shout, jump, kick, yell, sit quiet, whisper, be sad and mad?
I guess my thing is sitting on a cold stone wall in the dark peaceful night.

I went outside and sat on the wall. Sitting there, on that couple of metres tall (probably around 7-10 metres) wall fence separating me from green abyss under, I felt like I couldn't care less. I was so comfortable there, almost feeling invincible since gravity made it feel too cozy. It did not take 2 minutes for me to not even feel the limestone under me, it almost felt as if I was flying on a magic carpet. That magic carpet had to help me clear my head, it had to, there was no choice. All these confused bad thoughts needed to go away, now, quickly before they manage to distort the nice order which has been put in place in the timeline of a long beautiful weekend.
Good, they are gone now.
I can finally go to sleep.

The importance of Closure

I had the strangest dream a couple of nights ago, a dream which made me wake up in the middle of the night shaking, sweating and more than shocked. Why had I dreamt of him?
First thing I felt when I woke up - after the initial shock - was guilt and confusion. Yes, I had dreamt of an ex-boyfriend. That dream made me feel unfaithful even if it was nothing like that (yep, nothing hot, I promise!). How come it was so powerful even if so subtle?
Even more strange - the night after I dreamt of another eX.. but that was different. I woke up very well, light  and somehow with a smile on. What was happening? Was my subconsciousness trying to point out something?
It should be screaming something loud but oddly coded if it made me dream once more of that same person who woke me in panic just a couple of nights before that.

I definitely do not miss those guys and most certainly have no feelings whatsoever towards them. Is the fact that one relationship ended up without having any 'let's sit and talk this over'- phase had something to do?
When I thought about it more carefully, it suddenly struck me that my last four (at least) relationships have ended with no closure, one way or another it seems that I chose so. Was I doing it because I simply thought it is better? Almost certainly yes. Was it really the best solution? Almost certainly not. What did i do wrong then? Nothing much BESIDES avoiding closure.

It is regardless really of the side of the equation you end up being at - the one left or 'the left-ee' (not quite sure whether my word-construction exercise is working out so just to clear it out the second side is the one WHO left.) At the particular point in time we somehow tend to think (i.e. our mind plays wicked games with us and tricks us into thinking that) we are better off switching our cell phones off/ hiding/ ripping up photos, any left belongings, etc. (extreme cases but they say it works). Put more formally, in general it mainly consists of persistent avoidance of that person and anything linked to them in any way on Earth possible.
There are plenty of reasons one can list justifying such behavior and we all know it - we have to be strong, move on, pretend as if nothing happened, forget about it, etc. etc. That is not what I am interested in. I wish to find out why this is not the best (long-term-wise) solution.

As they say one has to face their Demons to get rid of them. In no way here I am depicting your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend as a Demon.
Those are the fears, always bugging questions and why-s related to that person. And those will not just disappear, believe me. We might think they have vanished but in reality they can only be buried inside of us until settled.
Sooner or later they have to be, don't they? I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we better gulp down and settle what needs to be settled and solve what needs to be solved till the end right there at the spot. You wouldn't like to wake up in a hysteric panic a year after and wonder why this nightmares keep chasing you. I know.

As impossible as it always seems, I say we get real; stop hiding, face all that stuff we have going on in our heads that we have to face, get closure, we have to! You owe it to yourself, to set the account straight and get to peace at least in your head.

Wait, wait, as a matter of fact I think I finally got it - our brain is like a hard drive, stuffed with so many memories besides everything else. So we need to make some space from time to time, right? We don't need to erase really but archive, put all burdening and heavy memories in a box in a corner of our mind so we can free some needed space for the great new. I am quite convinced this is the point of 'you have no free space left' that I find myself in right now and my brain is alarming me. Girl, you better clear all the clutter and get ready to fill that space with some shiny new amazing moments!

We have to...
Easy said, right?

I Feel So..

Best feeling in the world? Do you know which one it is? I know what it is: it is when you had fallen apart and then you get back up again!

I while ago I saw this movie called Blue Valentine. It is about a love story; an amazing great compelling love story and its ugly horrific end.. It made me think: are all love stories bound to end no matter how beautiful and true they are or they look like they are, do they all have an expiration date? I mean, I am not even 100% sure whether such insanely big love exists but I believe it does the same way I believe there is God.
We know from our moms that not all that glitters is gold, right? How would you know though unless you pick it up, try to dust it off and bring it to a jeweler. Waste of time - well, most probably. But how else will we grow them wisdom teeth unless we bump our naive heads a couple (million) times in the wall.. OR is it maybe that we are looking for the wrong commodity (gold instead of copper?)..

(Off-topic or maybe not?) A friend of mine told me that in general guys are clueless. To me it seems that if they are clueless it is because they want to be so. Playing clueless is a soft way of manipulation - pushing the other/s to go forward and express themselves which would usually turn out to be something one can conveniently later on use as an accusation (in insanity, for example) argument. But wait, am I the one who is defective because I seek joy, passion and affection and try to give those away in handfuls.. OR is it you? 

Depeche mode said it doesn't hurt to get but be careful what you give. If you want to be careful, then stay home! I do not want to be careful; I want to give and be given. I am going to live my life thy way I need to and with the positiveness and jump for joy that I need.

To the people who pick us up and to the people who pick me up - thank you. You are my pure shores.

Do I have it all figured out? Hell no. But it doesn't hurt to pretend I do. One thing I know for sure is I am too fabulous to be sad. 

Rubber ducks & the rush of blood to the head

I sell ducks for charity. I'm actually serious :) At the hotel we've been selling these little rubber ducklings in a pack of three for charity. A couple of nights ago, I have been told something that only made me think later on – ‘Maya, we’ve been selling so many ducks while you’re on shift!’. Is this a pure coincidence? Maybe it is, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe I remind people passing by the reception of goodness – yes, they do not know me but I guess my smile does the trick.

Probably it is more than that - I tend to spread my inner joy and energy and people relate that to goodness. Good thing, especially when it's for charity :) And why not spread that positive energy when I feel happy? Many look at me and wonder - what exactly is she so happy about; it is like there always has to be something major to make us happy. Can't we just be? To me, every day there is a reason to smile; we either have it (the reason) or we make one, the botton line being smiling and just being happy to be. It is not that hard really, it all comes down to mastering your thoughts and setting up your mind in the right direction.
Well, after all, maybe I've got a reason to smile - or maybe I have decided it will be one of my reasons. Sometimes though I sit and wonder: Have I rushed into something too soon too fast? How could I know the answer to this? I surely could not when the rush of blood to my head was on. But the rush is healthy, you know - adrenaline goes up, you boost with energy, you get the feeling of lively and cheerful joy. What's not to like??

 I saw Eat.Pray.Love the other day. I was lying in my huge bed covered with my two soft duvets and hugging my two bears (the cutest soft toys in the world). Let me not skip the part where I did not stop eating practically anything for like 2 hours. Sounds like almost perfect Heaven? It was. I felt so relaxed that it made me think about how crazy I have been acting recently. So here comes my big conclusion: Apparently, at some point (during the rush) the fear of losing ground and so much sought after balance starts surfacing. What the movie came up with is that sometimes, however, losing balance for love is just part of living well. Am I living well? Or great even? Only time will tell but I do know that I am happy as I am and all I want to do is make others feel the same way.

It is funny how we always tend to relate movies to our own lives. That's why they made them though, right..

It's time for R3v0LuTi0N!

I had the best time of my life during a week exactly one week ago and I mean it. Maybe it always seems like the best time ever with this girl but in this case it is like so many things kept on happening and forces kept on joining in order to provide us with a great time and crazy memories. Ah.. I love memories.. that blessed food for the soul. Or was that love? Maybe it is love. I love to love, be it memories or whatever. It is inner joy that just shines through you.
Having her here changed my life even if only for a short while. It made me remember what I love, what I miss and what I want. It felt so right.
When it feels alright, do we jump and drown in the feeling? I wish, but that is dangerous. We should know how to use the brakes and slow down and take it easy. Yes, we should, we should. But everyone loves a fast car, right? Same thing. It is simply that we feel more alive when the wind is blowing our hair away and there is a chance of being pulled over by the police ;-)

She helped me rediscover freedom and how amazing it feels. Freedom comes with choice. Choice, however, by definition brings complication. See, when there is much to choose from, one ends up loosing their mind wondering which one's better and what to pick and replaying scenarios over and over in order to compare. IT DOES NOT WORK! I couldn't know whether any of your choices are good enough. Only later on things will reveal themselves. So what to do?

Revolutionize yourselves! :)  Break the habit, do the first thing that comes to mind and enjoy the thrill.

RE-VO-LU-TION! Life isn't granted, you know, so why follow the same track and do what others expect/want/tell us to? Stand up against everyone who's too afraid to do what they desire to and show 'em how! When it feels good then why not? Let me live for a lil bit, gosh. I want to drown with crazy, love, joy, surprises. The consequences? Well, life's complicated ANYWAY so we'll have to deal with ridiculously tied knots no matter what we do. Let's at least enjoy the ride :-)

Life behind a mask = pittyful

I really hate those people living behind a mask! I know you know what I'm talking about: all those people fakely smiling at you every day but so clearly something else is going on in their head. God, I hate that. Why can't you just people be for real? Either be straight and get your issues resolved or move on! People who don't like each other shouldn't be FRIENDS - this sounds sick already - or meet or try to talk about things or hang out.. because it does not work, okay?! Yeah, I know there are those circumstances where you have to bow down and be 'nice' to someone just for the sake of safeguarding peace in a gang, etc. Hence, you are doing it for someone you care about. Allright, you deserve a medal but noone will actually give you one. Make it easy for yourself and try to really solve issues between you and this complexed chap.. or just forget about it! It won't be.
People, just be straight.. and open.. and honest.. and direct. I want to be happy and smile to everyone and be accepted as an honest person. And yes, I'd love some sincere smiles back. There's too much drama in this life, man. Why can't we just live free of all this bull**it!? It would be nice... too nice i guess.

P.S. nothing against Obama here.. just thought this mask is pretty cool:)

Patriotism - the odd version

I do understand that i become quite controversial at times. At one point you will hear me spitting sh*t on my country for all the bad and repulsive things i know you find there (or at least i do since i know them..). Whenever I happen to be in this ALL-AGAINST mood of mine, anyone who tries to defend or say anything good with regards to those disgusting me things/people/characteristics/etc. will find it quite hard to deal with my anger. I become all crazy and furious and noone can put me down. But then..
Then I have my other mood - the nostalgic i-love-my-country and i-miss-all-the-good-things-there MOOD. I know, sounds random and so weird. We do have so much potential and so many bright/intelligent/smart/talented/amazing people out there... it is so sad though that the mass of idiots manage to take everything - from power/politics to popularity to tv/music, etc...   When i listen to something of quality, it makes me even more sad for the fact that if these people were abroad, they could actually be successful and famous and recognized. It gets me down.. It's like this nation has been created to only suffer and struggle and never make it.. (okay, we made it to EU.. but what...) It is surprising how stupid and ignorant people would actually feel okay and happy amidst everything.. Pity i'm not one.. Or am i blessed? Does struggle make us more and more unhappy or it leads to perfection?

Noone can break the Time and Space continuum

One thinks that four years is a crazy long period of time. To be even more precise, one is absolutely sure that four years will be more than enough to do everything and then still have half of the time at hand to wonder what ON EARTH to do. This, however, is an absurd illusion which we are capable of stating as such only after we have actually seen those four years pass us by like a Porsche leaving just dust behind. Why did time fly by without indicating its speed? Eventually we find out that we haven’t really done it all like we initially expected, pardon me, we were certain. What happened?

One thinks that four years is a crazy long period of time to spend on a ‘rock’ (i.e. rude for ‘rocky island’). But what if that ‘rock’ presents you with some great opportunities and experiences that can be the cornerstone of your life? What if you didn’t realize this in time but only when it was too late? What if we had a lot of fun but spent too much time having that fun with the wrong people? What if you met the wrong people because you weren’t at the right places to meet the right ones? What would the present look like if you had met those right people at the right time? What if you met the right people but never gave them much importance so never got to know them better as you now wish you could? What if you know now what to say and you didn’t know then? What if you didn’t want THAT something/someone to be close back then but now you want it badly? What if we missed so many of those things which are offered to us once-per-lifetime and we regret that every single day? Do we keep hanging in? Not much choice in here. All that is left for me now is to:

· hope I did enough during those four years

· look forward to the next four

· try to ensure I ‘did my homework’ and take every chance I get

Clearly, people tend to concentrate on how long a certain period of time is and now on what one can do with it in order to use it to his/her best advantage. Time is limited. At least us individuals’ time is surely limited. I know it’s a banal expression but please DO NOT TAKE TIME FOR GRANTED. Cherish every moment and make most of it. You would follow this advice if you don’t want to miss opportunities and desire a rich and fulfilling life. I know that’s what I want.

AND you?

Memories (continuation of a thought with big T which apparently began 2yrs ago)

I love memories. Here I am talking about the good ones, of course. I am not that masochist as to like bad memories. I can’t say I aim at erasing them from my head either but certainly I do not love recalling them. Good memories, on the other hand, are so good that you need to lie down or sit back, relax, close eyes and then start the journey through your mind, a journey that will take you where you once were and where you would like to be right now.
Some memories will be too real – you know when you get the goose bumps from just a sound that reminds you of something but so strongly that you almost feel right there, back in time. I am having the goose bumps right now myself! Why is it that some of those lively memories seem like they are fake and they haven’t really happened? Those are the memories that are too good to bear.. everything back then was too good and now seems an illusion because you don’t even imagine this as being reality. Probably because it can’t and it is certain that it never will be, not again, not in the same way as before. When we realize that, our brain starts recalling those ‘ fake memories’ (which are real but we just explained why they are ‘fake’) in such a way that they look like scenes from a movie. I have plenty of such memories.
To be true, most of my good ones are of such a kind. This at times (who am I lying to.. ALWAYS!) can prove to be a bad thing. Yes, bad, very bad, and make you suffer quite a lot because you remember this .. let’s call it ‘MEMORY’ .. and you feel so relaxed and it’s so good.. you have turned back time and are living it all over again, that moment/that heavenly situation/that cup of tea with someone with big S/whatever else be it. It is all so intense and colourful that when you open your eyes by mistake you can’t remember where exactly you are. What is this place, where am I? – you ask yourself. ‘Ooh, sh**! I am back to reality, no, no, no!’ You don’t hesitate and close your eyes as fast as you can... but it’s all gone. It is exactly this feeling that I really hate – looking down confused and feeling so miserable and sad. This is not because you don’t like where you are at right now, no, not at all, or at least not necessarily. You clearly realize though that what was WAS and never will be.
What should we do when thoughts overwhelm us and we can’t figure what exactly to do next?! Never think about this memory again? But how do I do this? You know what? Instead of wishing there was a magic or enchanted antidote that we could just drink and let go of these making-us-feel-bad memories, let’s just be happy they are real memories and they did happen to US and us only in that heavenly kind of way we remember them.

About the memory pile-up & DREAMS (Note: something i have written 2 yrs ago)

Sometimes i just sit and wait.. wait for the memories to come into my mind. Coz i like to remember things. Which is mainly because i tend to remember just the good stuff.

That’s probably a self-defense mechanism – let me dig a big hole and put everything bad to rest in there, then pile it up with a bunch of stones to cover it all up so that just good memories can make their way to the mind without any obstacles. I mean, there will be only good ones left then so you will inevitably remember just them.

However, remembering the bad can happen but only if u really insist on digging up again into the hole to search for that particular bad memory. I do this sometimes... but i would like to stop.

Past is never pink as we tend to imagine it after it has past. But when i start lookin back i start smiling without even realizing it. It’s funny when my roommate will turn her head and look at me with that questioning look asking if im all right. Oh, yes, i am all right. I like this backward ride so much since it makes me feel young again and happy coz of all that i have witnessed. Then there are so many things you will connect with other many things and you will get the whole picture which will unfold itself with all the faces, colours and emotions and you end up in a completely distant and brighter place than where you actually are (the bed in the room, as is my case) – in a memory!

That is why i like dreaming so much! I dream all the time.. everything.. anybody ... seriously! Sometimes i even wake up and pray for me to stop dreaming coz it is exhausting! It really is.. dreaming every night crazy weird things.. sometimes very terrifying and depressing. But then.. there are the cool dreams.. that i would like to repeat the night after or go to bed immediately after i woke up in order to continue them! I really love those ones.. Sometimes they are so real that i can even feel in them. Such dreams are almost better than reality..

You never know what future can bring. But you might just have an idea. And then when you see that this idea is starting to materialize in actual reality, you are shocked and your heart starts jumping and bumping everywhere in your chest! That’s what happened to me! I am not certain of whether past or dreams had more influence but they certainly did...