Turned DoWn

I don't like it when I'm down. And noone really does. It is like they are all used to me being all happy and sunny that when I'm down it feels like a crime and the craziest thing of all is that I am the criminal.

What's my problem? I want to be given Joy, simple as that. I need it too, you know, at least to replenish my inner bag of Joy which I usually spread around the world and is bound to hit rock bottom at some point. Nothing is forever. I cannot always give and give.. and give.. and then they just take without thinking. It becomes a habit and then who's the loser? Me, the one left with a completely empty bag of Joy - Non-joy. 

Where is the missing link? What about reciprocity, where did that go? I don't know who removed it from the equation but I vote we put that back right where it belongs. Or else I cannot make it. There's no need for a complete balance but at least for an attempt of one. At the end, I'm just a small little girl brought up to this world to make it smile.. but hey, I am a living being and need sunshine too! 

Where is my sunshine?

After the fall, I hear music

A friend of mine recently made a statement about me which doesn't seem to get out of my head. What he said was that I simply cannot stand silence. He dared me to stay in silence and peace and quiet to prove him wrong. Well, I couldn't!
Even though it is true that i never put my headphones away - except while sleeping and even then somehow I dream with music and random songs keep playing in my head - I wouldn't really agree with that statement. Or am i just afraid to actually admit the facts? And what if I don't like silence? Or maybe I like silence but I like music better?!

About MUSIC
Music is my way out of everything, my way to feel and feel good so why would I intentionally put a halt to this, right? Music helps me be me and see the world and even paint it in colour. It makes me forget, it makes me fly (I could probably make a song out this too haha). Some would argue that love is bigger than music and more efficient when it comes to making people fly in the skies. Music, however, is always there and won't lie to you. Or get tired of you. Or substitute you. Eternal love? Is it a myth? My opinion is that nothing is forever. I might be wrong though. Let me elaborate on that.

KEEPERS
Probably he is right though, my friend, with regards to my unease with silence. It is a well-known fact that I have a problem facing 'accusations' like this and an even bigger one in admitting such as non-fictional and rather true. Nevertheless, all this served to point out something very important to me. I asked myself why did he think of that and how could he know it and here is where I realized I am so damn lucky to have people who know me better than I know myself.
All those people are keepers.

You'd like to know who your real friends are? Do something incredibly stupid and then see who will still stand by you. Those are the people who have the guts to still love you and be there for you even when you are a complete jerk or act like a self-centered mean egoist. I would know. Yup, done all that. And they still love me and help me get up on my feet after every fall. Could that be eternal and a no-matter-what love? I hope so.
Love you guys!! xxx

Rubber ducks & the rush of blood to the head

I sell ducks for charity. I'm actually serious :) At the hotel we've been selling these little rubber ducklings in a pack of three for charity. A couple of nights ago, I have been told something that only made me think later on – ‘Maya, we’ve been selling so many ducks while you’re on shift!’. Is this a pure coincidence? Maybe it is, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe I remind people passing by the reception of goodness – yes, they do not know me but I guess my smile does the trick.

Probably it is more than that - I tend to spread my inner joy and energy and people relate that to goodness. Good thing, especially when it's for charity :) And why not spread that positive energy when I feel happy? Many look at me and wonder - what exactly is she so happy about; it is like there always has to be something major to make us happy. Can't we just be? To me, every day there is a reason to smile; we either have it (the reason) or we make one, the botton line being smiling and just being happy to be. It is not that hard really, it all comes down to mastering your thoughts and setting up your mind in the right direction.
Well, after all, maybe I've got a reason to smile - or maybe I have decided it will be one of my reasons. Sometimes though I sit and wonder: Have I rushed into something too soon too fast? How could I know the answer to this? I surely could not when the rush of blood to my head was on. But the rush is healthy, you know - adrenaline goes up, you boost with energy, you get the feeling of lively and cheerful joy. What's not to like??

 I saw Eat.Pray.Love the other day. I was lying in my huge bed covered with my two soft duvets and hugging my two bears (the cutest soft toys in the world). Let me not skip the part where I did not stop eating practically anything for like 2 hours. Sounds like almost perfect Heaven? It was. I felt so relaxed that it made me think about how crazy I have been acting recently. So here comes my big conclusion: Apparently, at some point (during the rush) the fear of losing ground and so much sought after balance starts surfacing. What the movie came up with is that sometimes, however, losing balance for love is just part of living well. Am I living well? Or great even? Only time will tell but I do know that I am happy as I am and all I want to do is make others feel the same way.

It is funny how we always tend to relate movies to our own lives. That's why they made them though, right..

It's time for R3v0LuTi0N!

I had the best time of my life during a week exactly one week ago and I mean it. Maybe it always seems like the best time ever with this girl but in this case it is like so many things kept on happening and forces kept on joining in order to provide us with a great time and crazy memories. Ah.. I love memories.. that blessed food for the soul. Or was that love? Maybe it is love. I love to love, be it memories or whatever. It is inner joy that just shines through you.
Having her here changed my life even if only for a short while. It made me remember what I love, what I miss and what I want. It felt so right.
When it feels alright, do we jump and drown in the feeling? I wish, but that is dangerous. We should know how to use the brakes and slow down and take it easy. Yes, we should, we should. But everyone loves a fast car, right? Same thing. It is simply that we feel more alive when the wind is blowing our hair away and there is a chance of being pulled over by the police ;-)

She helped me rediscover freedom and how amazing it feels. Freedom comes with choice. Choice, however, by definition brings complication. See, when there is much to choose from, one ends up loosing their mind wondering which one's better and what to pick and replaying scenarios over and over in order to compare. IT DOES NOT WORK! I couldn't know whether any of your choices are good enough. Only later on things will reveal themselves. So what to do?

Revolutionize yourselves! :)  Break the habit, do the first thing that comes to mind and enjoy the thrill.

RE-VO-LU-TION! Life isn't granted, you know, so why follow the same track and do what others expect/want/tell us to? Stand up against everyone who's too afraid to do what they desire to and show 'em how! When it feels good then why not? Let me live for a lil bit, gosh. I want to drown with crazy, love, joy, surprises. The consequences? Well, life's complicated ANYWAY so we'll have to deal with ridiculously tied knots no matter what we do. Let's at least enjoy the ride :-)

Life behind a mask = pittyful

I really hate those people living behind a mask! I know you know what I'm talking about: all those people fakely smiling at you every day but so clearly something else is going on in their head. God, I hate that. Why can't you just people be for real? Either be straight and get your issues resolved or move on! People who don't like each other shouldn't be FRIENDS - this sounds sick already - or meet or try to talk about things or hang out.. because it does not work, okay?! Yeah, I know there are those circumstances where you have to bow down and be 'nice' to someone just for the sake of safeguarding peace in a gang, etc. Hence, you are doing it for someone you care about. Allright, you deserve a medal but noone will actually give you one. Make it easy for yourself and try to really solve issues between you and this complexed chap.. or just forget about it! It won't be.
People, just be straight.. and open.. and honest.. and direct. I want to be happy and smile to everyone and be accepted as an honest person. And yes, I'd love some sincere smiles back. There's too much drama in this life, man. Why can't we just live free of all this bull**it!? It would be nice... too nice i guess.

P.S. nothing against Obama here.. just thought this mask is pretty cool:)

Patriotism - the odd version

I do understand that i become quite controversial at times. At one point you will hear me spitting sh*t on my country for all the bad and repulsive things i know you find there (or at least i do since i know them..). Whenever I happen to be in this ALL-AGAINST mood of mine, anyone who tries to defend or say anything good with regards to those disgusting me things/people/characteristics/etc. will find it quite hard to deal with my anger. I become all crazy and furious and noone can put me down. But then..
Then I have my other mood - the nostalgic i-love-my-country and i-miss-all-the-good-things-there MOOD. I know, sounds random and so weird. We do have so much potential and so many bright/intelligent/smart/talented/amazing people out there... it is so sad though that the mass of idiots manage to take everything - from power/politics to popularity to tv/music, etc...   When i listen to something of quality, it makes me even more sad for the fact that if these people were abroad, they could actually be successful and famous and recognized. It gets me down.. It's like this nation has been created to only suffer and struggle and never make it.. (okay, we made it to EU.. but what...) It is surprising how stupid and ignorant people would actually feel okay and happy amidst everything.. Pity i'm not one.. Or am i blessed? Does struggle make us more and more unhappy or it leads to perfection?

"Breaking The Habit"

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

[Bridge:]
I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

[Bridge:]
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight