No birds and bees, please!

Relation-ships

2012-01-21T20:40:00.000+01:00

I skyped with a special friend of mine some time ago and it made me realize something as big as shocking - that there is probably a maximum of 3 persons in my life whom I can be completely and fully open and myself with and not try to pretend anything or play games. Yeah, games are fun... when you are eighteen. From then on why play? It is so burdensome this whole pretentious image-building exercise but yet everyone keeps on acting on a daily basis. This is so twisted..

As twisted a it is, it appears that playing games is a well-approved of strategy to go about getting laid, getting a guy/girl, one day hopefully this leading to an actual relationship, wedding, kids. The rest I am sure you know for yourselves. How exactly is me pretending to be somebody else rather than myself going to get me to the point of committing to someone else because I am his other half? Doesn't it sound all crazy?

Relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends, girlfriends, boyfriends, marriage - everyone's got something to say about it. But who really says anything and who's got the right to say something? Apparently single people are no good in this society (at least that's the public view, that same pretentious Public). Odd, having in mind that most of all those 'couples' out there are either not for each other - whatever that implies as per The Public; either playing games for the sake of it or simply being 'together' in order to BE because they are scared of being lonely. My question is: Why do people get on that ship, without being sure they have got a ticket?

First of all, why would I want someone, just anyone, by my side like an accessory? I would rather get a bag with the same effect, wouldn't I? You realize how superficial people's perspective on relationships is especially when they come to you and pop up the ever so annoying question: 'Is it serious?!' The word serious can be defined in so many ways, and yet, I can hardly think of anyone who refers to something else than 'serious as in ready for marriage and all that follows'. Why is this all that counts in this society? It doesn't matter whether one has a deep connection or cherishes the one next to them on a higher level?
One thing is for certain: If I want someone by my side, this someone has to erase everything else and give new meaning to things. He will show me another side of life which I never knew before, he would make me feel safe, grateful, good, enlightened.

It's only when I lose myself with someone else that I find myself.
Probably my favourite song of Depeche Mode; possibly the truest statement ever. Why? Many think that self-exploration comes with solitude and too much time spent on digging deep down within to understand yourself. Which is indeed correct.

There is only so much however to the lone discovery of the self, it is limited so you can't really obtain the thorough widescreen perspective of your self which was your initial intention. What then?
I have discovered just recently that one only finds themselves when they actually lose themselves with someone else. Yeah, exactly how complicated does that sound. Believe me, it isn't really. There is one big obstacle to reaching this and if you manage to go beyond it, your quest is almost solved. This great hurdle is the inability or more the fear of letting go one's self when being with someone, letting go of all controls, all what if-s, brakes or step backs in one's head.

What do you get? I knew you were going to ask that question since all of us humans are get-oriented, we hardly do things for the sake of it; I am assuming that maths in our head is very strongly planted. Back to the prize - you will get to experience something amazing, something so magical it is hard if not impossible to explain with words. From my experience it is as if your soul connects with this other person's soul and you end up feeling something so strong and pulling as if you have two souls. It probably sounds nuts what you are reading, only until the moment you actually feel it and then there will be no mistake, you will recognize it!

How is all this going to end? Everybody wants to know, in advance. But you cannot, and you'd better not! No one can possibly foresee the future (yep, I do not quite believe in Nostradamus) and this is our blessing! Should we have known something will not last, we would not have started it in the first place and would have never gone through the joy and passion and soul connection that we have experienced. I/We are already lucky, you know, most humans never really got that far - to know this side of themselves. So spread your arms wide people and embrace a true connection!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGkbuptJo2I&ob=av2e

Sincerely yours,
Me

Rain

2012-01-16T20:21:00.001+01:00

It was raining today, all night and almost all day. It wouldn't have mattered if I didn't have to walk twenty minutes on my way back home after work. It was not so much rainy as it was windy, therefore after 10 meters attempting to walk with an umbrella, I had to swear once or twice and give it up.

I believe that was a sign, from God possibly. It was one of the best walks in the rain I've ever had - a purifying one. I walked and at one point I started crying. I walked and cried till I got home, it actually felt so good that I wanted to keep on walking. It does relieve you from a lot you know, it is amazing, I might get addicted to it even. But what am I going to turn into - a big crying baby? People go to the gym to release the stress, I would simply walk and cry in the dark. Funny.

Was it the Rain that made me burst out? Hardly. Everything else BUT the Rain. The Rain was the washing-away power which would help me get up tomorrow morning and keep up with this shit routine and fake smiling. I could only wish I was naked, probably the purifying effect would have been twofold. Probably.

Lovely

2011-08-17T00:19:00.000+02:00

You know what I'm thinking about right now? I'm thinking of a Christmas, not a random Christmas though, a whatever one, but a Christmas with you. This is how I wish my next Christmas will be - full of you, your warmth, care and joy that you give to me. It's been a while since I had one like this and I do believe you can make it more than a merry one :)
I want to whisper in your sweet ear 'Merry Christmas, baby' and kiss you softly on your smooth like a little baby butt cheeks. Then I'll touch your cherry lips, rub them gently, stare at you and kiss them.
We won't need to do anything special to make it special. I just want to sit there, wherever, with you, and watch the lights and all the decorations, no matter how ridiculous they are.
And believe it or not, I won't need any presents, any toys or goodies, because you're the only teddy bear I would need. And would just hope you feel the same and that I am your only present needed.

Should I stay or should I go

2011-06-05T06:06:00.000+02:00

I have been finding myself on the crossroads far too many times recently. Is it me, is it the weather, I really don't know but this point of the way where confusion seems to be just slightly too much that it makes you stop, look around and make a decision, is really not as much fun as one might wish.

This time I feel very much challenged because of a clash of behaviours. Still undecided with regards to this particular surrounding (or to be really precise it should be in plural..), I keep on asking myself: should I stay or should I go. Go where you would say?

This month has been particularly crazy - too much and too many involved and I think my head is spinning from having to figure out what each and everyone is in fact having on his mind. I can't understand why they are constantly trying to mess with me (as in mess up my head). Can't you just be real? Isn't it that simple? Can't it be?

Sippin' out of my decaff coffee at 4:15am, it kind of looks to me that men have become BIGGER and maybe BETTER gossip girls than women ever were and could be! No kidding!
Once the firm and tough shoulder for women to lean on, men seem to have turned to the soft side of a relationship - if there can be one at all these days. They have become more curious, whinier, bitchier, crossing their legs more often, etc. Why are we switching the roles? Is there a problem? Apparently the status quo is not working out any longer but only unofficially, ha.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I decided to let ten days pass in order to check whether any of my thoughts in this regard will have changed or been modified by something or someone before eventually pressing the publish post button. Time does not seem to be in favour though.

They say you don't get what you want but what you need. Well, this is exactly what I want (I guess) - to get what I need.
But am I artificially creating a need on my own for my own and how healthy is that? What do I need to be and what/who do I need? And do I, at all? I do not really need someone in particular as long as I have one/s who care. (once again, is this a wish or a need?)
Hence, are these the people that should be surrounding me? Fun is fun.. but is it worth the bulls*t?

At the end, I believe life gives us more or less what we need and right now I guess I needed to doubt.
I'm thinking... Maybe it is about time to say goodbye and let the surreal faking be without my presence.. maybe.. maybe..

P.s. I wish I'd rap this song: Atmosphere - Trying to Find A Balance

I Feel So..

2011-04-15T20:09:00.000+02:00

Best feeling in the world? Do you know which one it is? I know what it is: it is when you had fallen apart and then you get back up again!

I while ago I saw this movie called Blue Valentine. It is about a love story; an amazing great compelling love story and its ugly horrific end.. It made me think: are all love stories bound to end no matter how beautiful and true they are or they look like they are, do they all have an expiration date? I mean, I am not even 100% sure whether such insanely big love exists but I believe it does the same way I believe there is God.
We know from our moms that not all that glitters is gold, right? How would you know though unless you pick it up, try to dust it off and bring it to a jeweler. Waste of time - well, most probably. But how else will we grow them wisdom teeth unless we bump our naive heads a couple (million) times in the wall.. OR is it maybe that we are looking for the wrong commodity (gold instead of copper?)..

(Off-topic or maybe not?) A friend of mine told me that in general guys are clueless. To me it seems that if they are clueless it is because they want to be so. Playing clueless is a soft way of manipulation - pushing the other/s to go forward and express themselves which would usually turn out to be something one can conveniently later on use as an accusation (in insanity, for example) argument. But wait, am I the one who is defective because I seek joy, passion and affection and try to give those away in handfuls.. OR is it you?

Depeche mode said it doesn't hurt to get but be careful what you give. If you want to be careful, then stay home! I do not want to be careful; I want to give and be given. I am going to live my life thy way I need to and with the positiveness and jump for joy that I need.

To the people who pick us up and to the people who pick me up - thank you. You are my pure shores.

Do I have it all figured out? Hell no. But it doesn't hurt to pretend I do. One thing I know for sure is I am too fabulous to be sad.

Turned DoWn

2011-03-04T19:21:00.001+01:00

I don't like it when I'm down. And noone really does. It is like they are all used to me being all happy and sunny that when I'm down it feels like a crime and the craziest thing of all is that I am the criminal.

What's my problem? I want to be given Joy, simple as that. I need it too, you know, at least to replenish my inner bag of Joy which I usually spread around the world and is bound to hit rock bottom at some point. Nothing is forever. I cannot always give and give.. and give.. and then they just take without thinking. It becomes a habit and then who's the loser? Me, the one left with a completely empty bag of Joy - Non-joy.

Where is the missing link? What about reciprocity, where did that go? I don't know who removed it from the equation but I vote we put that back right where it belongs. Or else I cannot make it. There's no need for a complete balance but at least for an attempt of one. At the end, I'm just a small little girl brought up to this world to make it smile.. but hey, I am a living being and need sunshine too!

Where is my sunshine?

After the fall, I hear music

2011-02-15T01:57:00.001+01:00

A friend of mine recently made a statement about me which doesn't seem to get out of my head. What he said was that I simply cannot stand silence. He dared me to stay in silence and peace and quiet to prove him wrong. Well, I couldn't!
Even though it is true that i never put my headphones away - except while sleeping and even then somehow I dream with music and random songs keep playing in my head - I wouldn't really agree with that statement. Or am i just afraid to actually admit the facts? And what if I don't like silence? Or maybe I like silence but I like music better?!

About MUSIC
Music is my way out of everything, my way to feel and feel good so why would I intentionally put a halt to this, right? Music helps me be me and see the world and even paint it in colour. It makes me forget, it makes me fly (I could probably make a song out this too haha). Some would argue that love is bigger than music and more efficient when it comes to making people fly in the skies. Music, however, is always there and won't lie to you. Or get tired of you. Or substitute you. Eternal love? Is it a myth? My opinion is that nothing is forever. I might be wrong though. Let me elaborate on that.

KEEPERS
Probably he is right though, my friend, with regards to my unease with silence. It is a well-known fact that I have a problem facing 'accusations' like this and an even bigger one in admitting such as non-fictional and rather true. Nevertheless, all this served to point out something very important to me. I asked myself why did he think of that and how could he know it and here is where I realized I am so damn lucky to have people who know me better than I know myself.
All those people are keepers.

You'd like to know who your real friends are? Do something incredibly stupid and then see who will still stand by you. Those are the people who have the guts to still love you and be there for you even when you are a complete jerk or act like a self-centered mean egoist. I would know. Yup, done all that. And they still love me and help me get up on my feet after every fall. Could that be eternal and a no-matter-what love? I hope so.
Love you guys!! xxx

Rubber ducks & the rush of blood to the head

2010-12-24T03:40:00.002+01:00

I sell ducks for charity. I'm actually serious :) At the hotel we've been selling these little rubber ducklings in a pack of three for charity. A couple of nights ago, I have been told something that only made me think later on – ‘Maya, we’ve been selling so many ducks while you’re on shift!’. Is this a pure coincidence? Maybe it is, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe I remind people passing by the reception of goodness – yes, they do not know me but I guess my smile does the trick.

Probably it is more than that - I tend to spread my inner joy and energy and people relate that to goodness. Good thing, especially when it's for charity :) And why not spread that positive energy when I feel happy? Many look at me and wonder - what exactly is she so happy about; it is like there always has to be something major to make us happy. Can't we just be? To me, every day there is a reason to smile; we either have it (the reason) or we make one, the botton line being smiling and just being happy to be. It is not that hard really, it all comes down to mastering your thoughts and setting up your mind in the right direction.
Well, after all, maybe I've got a reason to smile - or maybe I have decided it will be one of my reasons. Sometimes though I sit and wonder: Have I rushed into something too soon too fast? How could I know the answer to this? I surely could not when the rush of blood to my head was on. But the rush is healthy, you know - adrenaline goes up, you boost with energy, you get the feeling of lively and cheerful joy. What's not to like??

I saw Eat.Pray.Love the other day. I was lying in my huge bed covered with my two soft duvets and hugging my two bears (the cutest soft toys in the world). Let me not skip the part where I did not stop eating practically anything for like 2 hours. Sounds like almost perfect Heaven? It was. I felt so relaxed that it made me think about how crazy I have been acting recently. So here comes my big conclusion: Apparently, at some point (during the rush) the fear of losing ground and so much sought after balance starts surfacing. What the movie came up with is that sometimes, however, losing balance for love is just part of living well. Am I living well? Or great even? Only time will tell but I do know that I am happy as I am and all I want to do is make others feel the same way.

It is funny how we always tend to relate movies to our own lives. That's why they made them though, right..

It's time for R3v0LuTi0N!

2010-11-23T09:23:00.004+01:00

I had the best time of my life during a week exactly one week ago and I mean it. Maybe it always seems like the best time ever with this girl but in this case it is like so many things kept on happening and forces kept on joining in order to provide us with a great time and crazy memories. Ah.. I love memories.. that blessed food for the soul. Or was that love? Maybe it is love. I love to love, be it memories or whatever. It is inner joy that just shines through you.
Having her here changed my life even if only for a short while. It made me remember what I love, what I miss and what I want. It felt so right.
When it feels alright, do we jump and drown in the feeling? I wish, but that is dangerous. We should know how to use the brakes and slow down and take it easy. Yes, we should, we should. But everyone loves a fast car, right? Same thing. It is simply that we feel more alive when the wind is blowing our hair away and there is a chance of being pulled over by the police ;-)

She helped me rediscover freedom and how amazing it feels. Freedom comes with choice. Choice, however, by definition brings complication. See, when there is much to choose from, one ends up loosing their mind wondering which one's better and what to pick and replaying scenarios over and over in order to compare. IT DOES NOT WORK! I couldn't know whether any of your choices are good enough. Only later on things will reveal themselves. So what to do?

Revolutionize yourselves! :) Break the habit, do the first thing that comes to mind and enjoy the thrill.

RE-VO-LU-TION! Life isn't granted, you know, so why follow the same track and do what others expect/want/tell us to? Stand up against everyone who's too afraid to do what they desire to and show 'em how! When it feels good then why not? Let me live for a lil bit, gosh. I want to drown with crazy, love, joy, surprises. The consequences? Well, life's complicated ANYWAY so we'll have to deal with ridiculously tied knots no matter what we do. Let's at least enjoy the ride :-)

Life behind a mask = pittyful

2010-09-25T15:42:00.000+02:00

I really hate those people living behind a mask! I know you know what I'm talking about: all those people fakely smiling at you every day but so clearly something else is going on in their head. God, I hate that. Why can't you just people be for real? Either be straight and get your issues resolved or move on! People who don't like each other shouldn't be FRIENDS - this sounds sick already - or meet or try to talk about things or hang out.. because it does not work, okay?! Yeah, I know there are those circumstances where you have to bow down and be 'nice' to someone just for the sake of safeguarding peace in a gang, etc. Hence, you are doing it for someone you care about. Allright, you deserve a medal but noone will actually give you one. Make it easy for yourself and try to really solve issues between you and this complexed chap.. or just forget about it! It won't be.
People, just be straight.. and open.. and honest.. and direct. I want to be happy and smile to everyone and be accepted as an honest person. And yes, I'd love some sincere smiles back. There's too much drama in this life, man. Why can't we just live free of all this bull**it!? It would be nice... too nice i guess.

P.S. nothing against Obama here.. just thought this mask is pretty cool:)

Patriotism - the odd version

2010-05-28T00:35:00.000+02:00

I do understand that i become quite controversial at times. At one point you will hear me spitting sh*t on my country for all the bad and repulsive things i know you find there (or at least i do since i know them..). Whenever I happen to be in this ALL-AGAINST mood of mine, anyone who tries to defend or say anything good with regards to those disgusting me things/people/characteristics/etc. will find it quite hard to deal with my anger. I become all crazy and furious and noone can put me down. But then..
Then I have my other mood - the nostalgic i-love-my-country and i-miss-all-the-good-things-there MOOD. I know, sounds random and so weird. We do have so much potential and so many bright/intelligent/smart/talented/amazing people out there... it is so sad though that the mass of idiots manage to take everything - from power/politics to popularity to tv/music, etc... When i listen to something of quality, it makes me even more sad for the fact that if these people were abroad, they could actually be successful and famous and recognized. It gets me down.. It's like this nation has been created to only suffer and struggle and never make it.. (okay, we made it to EU.. but what...) It is surprising how stupid and ignorant people would actually feel okay and happy amidst everything.. Pity i'm not one.. Or am i blessed? Does struggle make us more and more unhappy or it leads to perfection?

"Breaking The Habit"

2010-05-06T18:23:00.000+02:00

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

[Bridge:]
I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

[Bridge:]
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight

You Think You Knew. But You Still Have No Idea!

2010-05-02T00:05:00.003+02:00

Wait, wait. Some people think they know me. Do you really believe that?
Um.. okay, according to my own statistics, the people with highest probabilities of knowing me are like three? Maximum 4.
But hey, even I don't think I know me! Or at least I am not confident stating it. So I just don't :)

In fact - now making use of my advanced psychological knowledge - I think I am just smart enough to use this 'not being confident in really knowing myself' statement to justify myself and more particularly any actions of mine which do not quite correspond to anything people know about me.
Here comes the logical question: why do i like doing this?? That's kind of sick, you know. What's my sickness then?

I think I know, I think I know. Can I say, can I say? Please?
I have this crush. A crush on.. shocking. 'Shocking' like a thing; like something i love to do and be described as! Man, isn't that ODD! :) But I love to shock - everyone around but also myself. It is like testing yourself and how far you can go.

Obviously, no bungee jumping in mind! (GOD, I'll never ever do that!)
The adverse side of this 'crush' of mine is usually omitted at first and not fully realized. It is substantial though: right when I manage to make a decision and I believe I've decided it for good, my shocking 'crush' comes to ruin it all for me! So it turns out as if I keep on pretending and then keep on betraying on myself.. Or is it just an anti-dote to boring life and ordinariness? Possible? Logical?

Questions - too many. I am not sure about the answers. I am certain you don't know them either.
Conclusion: I told you - you don't know me but I don't mind if you try:)

'I hate that part'

2010-04-26T22:37:00.000+02:00

I'm a fighter but sometimes it gets me too - I can keep myself together and encourage everyone around for so long but then suddenly I'll break down. And what I really hate is that itchy feeling in my eyes - that one right before tears start filling them up. The ever more absurd thing is that I get down so easily by slight embarrassment or tiny situation which did not go the way I planned. Ah, now I remember why I started hating planning and refused to do it - it is simply disappointing because, come on, how many of your plans do actually materialize in that same way you imagined them in your head? So, okay, planning sux, I won't do it, so I guess I'll be safe. What about embarrassments? You cannot protect yourself from them. They happen and weirdly enough they feel as bad as if you have just fallen on your face in the middle of some central city square, almost every time, almost regardless of their nature and fatality. What am I to do then; how do I deal with darned embarrassment issue? Should I put my guard down? Should I feel shit for the rest of the week (just for the record - it's only Monday!)? I know what I need ... A good laugh with someone fun' n 'funny! Anyone?

The Way...Back

2010-04-20T22:02:00.001+02:00

I guess I believe in second chances. Sure, it depends on the circumstances and subjects involved but still it is good policy. I decided to give Malta a second chance and sure enough I am more than glad I did so!
See, the thing is that things can be so similar but yet so different at the same time. It all comes down to your own perception and motivation. If you are striving for something and you are enough motivated to go for it, then I believe you are pretty much on the way of getting it.
Experience, obviously, has its say too. I managed to take 14 flights across three particular countries in 8 months and eventually it just brought me back to where I started off.
It is so different though! Malta is different and yet the same - finally feels home! (I say 'finally' because I used to look for the 'home feeling' elsewhere not even a single thought crossing my mind that it can actually be Malta) I want to be different but yet still ME. Yes, in fact I would like to be the better ME and I will be! Determination is everything, right? :) I promise you this - this time around I won't look any place else and I won't whine around or try to escape as soon as problems come on the surface. No! I will stay put and be positive - if I could write it on my cv, then I could actually do it! To sum up, I will be a slightly grown-up version of myself and endure whatever there is to be endured in order to have the life I was seeking for so long.
So.. I guess you'd ask how does it feel to be back to the place which I used to hate and was so impatient to leave the second I could?! WELL, it feels GREAT, man! I am telling you.. I haven't felt that good in quite some time... good as in healthy state of the mind. When you have a good feeling about something, you relax and just enjoy the feeling. No stress:) That is me right now! I feel something good is on its way and I am simply preparing to embrace it and give it a good bear hug :-D And.. And I want to embrace anything else that I have simply thrown out during my 4-year stay and I mean it! I kinda feel as if I have been given a second chance and not the other way round! Is this destiny? It's interesting to note that I flew my way here a week or so before the volcano Island errupted! Get my point?
Im OFF now. Im just gonna go lie and chill listening to music and enjoying my feeling of satisfaction. Cheerz :D

Love = Loyalty = Love ?

2010-03-28T23:37:00.000+02:00

It is incredible how we live life in a fast lane and never have the time to think about how fragile everything actually is.

Life is to be lived together with someone/s and not on our own.
When we find people we cherish and care about, we should never let go! No matter where they are, how they are, whom they are with, how stubborn they are, etc... Love equals loyalty and vice versa. We cannot claim that we love if we don't intend to be loyal, ForeveR! Of course we are all just human (you know what i mean). Loyalty in this case is implied in its stronger version which is namely mental and soul loyalty.

These are the secret messages that ''Hachiko - a dog's story'' sends out. A truly inspiring (maybe too simplistic at first sight) movie that tells the tale about man and his best friend - the dog. It is based on a true story which really happened during the 1920s in Japan and it reveals the strong connection that can exist between a man and a dog - i personally believe it is probably stronger than relations between people. Hachi gets so attached to its master that after his sudden death, the poor dog keeps on waiting for him on the same train station for nine years hoping it will see the day when he - The Master - will come out of the station gate AGAIN. This cute dog, an animal, manages to express better than any human how persons marking our hearts and lives stay with us forever, how lost we can be without them and how the severe pain of missing them wouldn't let us have a 'normal' life anymore.

I can only advise you to get a couple napkins and watch the movie.
I can only hope that this world needs more of those movies for romantic rather than simply 'reminding' reasons (reminding in the sense that they show us what we are supposed to be like, do and feel).

My final urge is the following: let's live in a way that we will not regret because 'tomorrow is never promised today' (quoting Alicia Keys - Like you'll never see me again) .. and please

Love Like You'll Never See each other Again..

When a journey is over

2010-03-03T19:22:00.000+01:00

I can't help having mixed feelings now that the Green Light For Business Conference is all behind.

Every journey is full of emotions, situations and various experiences - there will always be a couple of negative ones but most of them will be positive in one way or another. Why did i end up with this mix of satisfaction, happiness, frustration and apathy if the event was a success from a business and personal point of view?

The day following the end of the Conference my skype's profile message has been set to 'back to life' but.. I would rather say that what has just finished was kind of LIFE. It felt like blood transfusion right when i so severely needed it! I am satisfied with myself and the work i managed to do/took part in; I am also more than satisfied for the fact that i got to know what my strengths are with respect to other teammates' skills; I am extremely satisfied knowing that i possess something more than others. Last but not least, I'm also satisfied because I discovered (things about) myself in a setting that has not occurred to me ever before.

Uhm, what was next on the list? Ah ye.
I am happy, oh, so so happy it all happened to me - that i met all those people, spent time, shared knowledge (this is really too formally put) and had some fun along the way.

I am not having illusions though.
I am not deluding myself with sorts of thoughts like 'now i have made friends'. At the same time, I would always secretly hope that this might actually be true. That is why I am frustrated - somehow I feel that we will not go to bars and discos together ot gather in someone's rented studio to just bullshit and laugh. I just don't see it coming.
Obviously, one cannot force people to be his/her friends (okay, unless you are extremely rich or some mafia guy) so what do we do when nothing happens?
We move on and look AHEAD. What's good was good and noone can erase it (oh, except the Haitian from HEROES :P).

No whining and crying, no, no. Life is about meeting people and having an impact. Even if this means you get to spend time with someone for 2 days only. You cannot or more like SHOULD NOT say NO to your opportunities to meet and impact just because it seems short and pointless or even worse - painful. You never know when and how this meeting, this tiny little moment of socializing and impacting will actually have its big impact on you. And it almost always does;]

What about apathy? Well, I'm just a human at the end and can't help being overhelmed by feelings, emotions and confusion sometimes, you know. All i need is some time to clear my head and think straight. When i do that, I will eventually realize all the good stuff - everything i've gained (which includes my first ever business card, yey!), all i've learnt AND all pure goodness I've done for the sake of it without no material gain:) (there should always be such a component or otherwise stories will never have a good ending or at least they will not serve purpose as bedtime stories for our grandchildren).....

So here I am.. terminating the Green Light For Business Conference 2010. I won't fuss and I won't fight for what's been lost or for what has not happened.
The END should be a good one, a good one. So walk away ... with your smile on .. this is how you will be remembered.

HR - the story of a profession I DISlike

2010-01-26T21:29:00.004+01:00

It’s full of ridiculous jobs out there, don't you think. The one that really thrills me - in the negative sense though - is HRs – be it HR Specialists or HR assistants or HR Managers.. What a senseless job is that!? Don’t get me wrong – I know there has to be SOMEONE to actually filter and select among people. But what is It exactly that they do and how awfully boring is it?? I mean, I just don’t get them.

What's with having to listen to people's trying-to-impress-you declarations of all sorts all day every day? How boring. And how useless (for urself a an HR I mean). How do you develop in this field? What do you expand on the 'knowledge' of asking questions and scribing down notes and then ANYWAY selecting randomly? I am very sorry but I really don't see the thrill, the great experience and the amazing career that is envisaged in all this, the HR career.

What's more, an HR's carma is probably not to be envied since they get cursed by so many, like, ALL THE TIME. Negative energy directed towards you is no joke especially when released by such a great amount of angry fellows. At the end, such a small fraction of people's lives will be positively changed by an HR during his/her lifetime career as such because you simply can't hire everyone. Rather the contrary, an HR is mainly busy with playing with ordinary people's hopes and dreams and then blowing them off.

Im writing this coz I've been advised to exploit the fact that the majority of job vacancies (donnow how but it's true!) are for HRs to at least enter in a company. Then I am supposed to somehow figure out a way to switch departments and find the right spot for me, once in.

I, as a numbers-oriented and brain-based activities person look at this proposal with such a disregard and even contempt that it almost looks like I'd rather consider a secretary job more seriously. I can't do it; I am not done for that, I don't even think I will be able to do it efficiently enough. Fuck, I'm being picky, am I not? Some say I'm too proud and will never find a job like that. Well, maybe they're right. Maybe they are NOT. Fifty-fiftyy. But if I turn out right, I will be happy that I didn't have to compromise myself, my beliefs and opinions. I am so stubborn, I know.

I know we need you to choose the best from the best. Let's hope you really intend and attempt to do that.

Sorry brilliant HR people (that I am sure some of you are); I just needed to release my anger on something/someone.

ABOUT LIFE'S PURPOSE

2010-01-22T23:44:00.001+01:00

I saw this movie the other night (yup, here I go again with my movies but I do like watching movies) that had me thinking of what a person really wants to do and how much it differs from what he/she really does (in almost 90% of the cases.. my own estimation) in life. How many people do actually become what they once dreamt of when they were little kiddoes? I am even re-considering that 10% figure now.. Why do people work and do things that they do not like or hardly ever have actually dreamt of doing?

After all the crap I’ve been through/seen in my life, I learnt that only looking up to your dreams can take you out of the crap and make you move on.

Dreams have to be big. The reason for this is simple – the bigger the dream, the longer the road leading to it, hence, the farther from the crap we have got to go. And exactly this is the point of it – to bring us as far as possible from the ‘dark past’ and bring us ‘pink future’. Or at least any of its nuances. Is it possible though that our dreams are too big? What happens then?

They say that if you want something too much, then eventually you will have it. However, what has also become well-known is that usually people tend to obtain relatively easy the things they want relatively little and that we have to struggle almost infinitely in order to get what we really want. However, these two statements are not mutually exclusive but rather complementary. If you do want something that much, you will sacrifice some time and effort and go about it.

BUT still ..

What happens if I turn down too many of the relatively easy ‘opportunities’ in the hunt for THE ONE I want more than anything?

How long should we keep on looking and passing whatever’s in front of us just because of the belief we are destined for something else? What if we are just delusional.. What if we never really get to the point where we reach the OFFER of our life, the one that we always dreamt of? Am I going to regret throwing imperfect offers out the window? Am I going to be constantly chased by ghosts of past little mistakes?

I guess we all ask those same questions if we haven’t obtained that job that makes us the happiest people in the universe. At 23 (can’t believe I’m even saying this, I’m feeling so nineteen! ) I too got to the point (of no return) where I’m simply thinking and asking and talking to myself and all those processes directed to one particular thing in my mind – the JOB, the thing/activity I want to do. Because, you see, I do not want to work just for the sake of it – which I have to since I am completely income-less , I want to do something I LOVE. Might sound way too poetical but I believe that all the best things are done with love. Take babies for example! Ok, I drop the babies topic immediately, it was just an innocent exampleJ

So, what I’m saying is that we should not give up. Of course food is more important than love, but at the end love is the food for the soul.. and when this dies.. (sigh) We all know the end of this story.

I thought I had actually found the job I was destined for and the one I will probably spend a lifetime in - I was in fact envisioning myself at 40 yrs as a super HEAD of some department.

Building trajectories too early didn’t seem to work out good for me though. Boom-Bam .. and I got a negative call. Gosh, it was painful to see my trajectory fall apart and become just invisible dust. At the end, I guess this just wasn’t my destiny and that’s it. I have to think that or I am risking to completely fall apart; or becoming a secretary mastering the art of preparing espresso on a daily basis.

We have to safeguard our confidence no matter how small and miserable the circumstances make us feel. I will keep on looking up to my dreams and believe my vocation will soon unveil itself in front of my eyes.

And I am so eager to meet.

Little Christmassy Thoughts On Love

2009-12-30T00:14:00.003+01:00

What is it with Christmas that is always so romantic and lovely? Despite the global financial crisis, everyone seemed to be all caught up in the Christmas fever – shopping, gift wrapping, decorating and Christmas-thinking in general. How does Christmas manage to turn all our thought towards love? And why is it that we remember love and all our loved ones exactly then – on Christmas?
I believe that everyone is in search for the answer of their lives. Somehow, most of us are looking forward to finding LOVE as the answer and somehow, around Christmas, the eagerness to find this answer becomes overwhelming. But what is love? How can we find it and how do we recognize it?
Love is not a thing we can see or spot when it passes us by. Love is more abstract and that is why it is much more beautiful than anything we are able to see or touch.
Love is the little sparkle that lights the fire in our hearts.
The goose bumps on your whole body when you hear/feel/think/dream/remember of something or somebody is still love.
Love is also the warmth we feel pouring into our hearts by just a glimpse at those loved ones’ eyes.
Love happens in many different kinds of ways but the one common thing is that when we love, the subjects of our feelings have so much power over us – they can make us the happiest people in the universe but with the same success can make us feel miserable.
Friends or more than friends – it doesn’t really matter; altogether they are the most important people in our lives. It’s those ones that keep on sticking around while we are acting clowns; those who keep us from breaking into million pieces. They are bigger…bigger than life itself because they are our life!
If those ones are our so-called LIFE support, then why do we constantly abandon them only to return on Christmas to pay our dues? During the year daily life struggles keep our minds focused on less important for our overall happiness thingies. Such thingies, we would realize one day, are simply tiny tests of our devotion to LOVE, RESPECT and JOY – the mix which is the scientifically proven key to happiness. Might sound a little hippy but .. YES, they knew (hippies I meant)! Moreover, what more do you need for Christmas than this magical trio – I hope you answered ‘noothin’ to yourself. If you did – I LIKE YOU.

MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR! And don’t forget to love, no matter what.

The Collapse - of the financial system OR of us as humans?

2009-12-16T20:01:00.002+01:00

More than 30 minutes passed since I finished watching that documentary titled 'Collapse' but I just can't concentrate on doing anything but thinking about it and everything I heard and saw in it.

Apparently, 'Collapse' centers around the recent financial and consequential economic collapse we all have been 'lucky' to witness. Only an year ago, while I was at the beginning of my last year of my Bachelors, all this, this ‘phenomena’ was simply exciting to study about. Every day was something new; something crazy and usually with enormous impact was happening out there. The fact that it was ‘out there’ and not ‘here where I am’ meant that we could not take those events as seriously as actual sufferers ‘out there’. This whole situation seems to have changed with the speed of a blink of an eye. The intriguing lectures which kept me going to school every day are now mass media – a terrifying one rather than exciting. The financial crisis spilled to almost every important aspect of our life leading us to a condition similar to a GREAT DEPRESSION. The horrific truth however is that this condition is not going to just go away or simply pass with time – in 2 years like people were hoping. According to the documentary – which laid amazing insights about the stories behind other great controversies like the war in IRAQ - this is a turning point for the whole world and for humanity as a whole. A phrase that I made sure I remember from the movie was: Love for money is the root to evil. And it is the love for money that has the potential to render extinct the entire human race. At first it might sound shocking and overstated. But then if you keep thinking on it for a couple of moments, you get to realize how true this statement is and it starts freaking you out!

We have reached the turning point.. okay.. so what now? NOW we – the human race – have to face Earth and reconnect with it. Yes, I mean going back to basics in order to survive. We have to, no, we MUST cut down on all that expense and waste that modern society is linked with and, as the documentary points out, we need to grow crops in our backyards. This is not funny at all – we need to do it in order to have something to eat when food supplies in all those fancy supermarkets deplete and we end up one day living a nightmare of a supermarket with all empty shelves. If we do not save ourselves from what we have become, then we cannot save the planet which will simply lead to the termination our species.

For sure I know one thing that I am definitely doing - going to my village and asking my grandparents to teach me how to grow things. I am more than sure it will prove useful in the blurry future to come.

So throw away those posh clothes, iphones and fancy accessories and get back to nature. Our survival is as stake!

2009-11-28T20:30:00.003+01:00

Okay, so here’s the thing: I’ve been living here with my boyfriend but still hasn’t been out to meet his friends and colleagues. Yes, I know it’s more than weird but there are – as they always are – plenty of reasons for this. I’ll make this piece more readable by dropping all those reasons and getting to the point.
And the point is the following: when he comes home and tells me they can’t wait to meet me and talk about all the time it leaves me quite confused. Is it supposed to make me feel flattered and interesting? But they can’t know I’m interesting so… what is it? I am exotic then. Like an exotic fruit – mango, pineapple and papaya. What does the Dictionary have to say for ‘Exotic’?
1. From another part of the world; foreign.
2. Intriguingly unusual or different; excitingly strange.
I do believe I’m both in this situation and probably always since I have problems fitting in the ordinariness of any single country.
But I still vividly remember my reaction after finally getting hold of a mango – which was about 4 years ago – and not obtaining the satisfaction I always thought I would from such an EXOTIC fruit. Hence, exotic does not necessarily mean good at the end.
Having a monkey and a parrot in your house is considered exotic too. Am I to feel like a monkey serving as a pure show off to his owner?
Yeah, I know it’s not like that and that they are gonna love me. But what if they don’t? They have to, for him; they have to like me so that he is happy, no? I know this shouldn’t feel that awkward after I’ve been through the meeting with his family and all his closest friends. So what is it then?
I guess I’m just not too sure what to wear… I’m off to raiding my closet and making it certain I’ll look stunning .. or at least exotic?… and I’ll behave, I promise Let’s see how satisfying is my exoticness.

When Enough is Enough

2009-10-29T18:40:00.005+01:00

People are strange creatures, probably the strangest of all. After years of detailed exploration and study of their behavior, you could still end up being surprised by some bizarre and out-of-the-ordinary plus occasionally not-making-any-sense behavior. What a mixture, ha?

Well, when do we say ENOUGH is ENOUGH? Is one ‘ENOUGH’ ENOUGH though? It would be very simple and easy for us humans – especially the ones who try to put some sense in things – to be able to say ‘ENOUGH!’ and really go on without a single thought to it or backward glimpse. Are there any people out there you can’t get your head round? Then you know what I’m talking about. Exactly when you’ve made that tough but firm decision to say aloud ENOUGH, they would pop up just to test you – you and your honesty with your own self. No, they don’t want anything in particular. These people just want to bug you out and make you feel bad with yourself. So here you are again – nibbling at the bait in an attempt to establish communication or any normal kind of relation till it all comes back to the same situation where you have to say ENOUGH for 6-8-13-234-th time in order to feel OK. So there you are – lying to yourself on a daily basis. What a weak ass I would say. The thing is that I WOULD say this if I was eighteen again. It is remarkable how during our childhood and adolescence we are capable of being absolutely firm and definitive in our childish decisions and then the more we grow, the weaker we become with respect to final decisions and judgment – each time we try to find the way to compromise and excuse. This, on the other hand, is the road to becoming HUMAN rather than a little egocentric piece of a person.

To get down to it: Is it innocent to be naïve or it is naïve to be innocent? Put in other words, should we really ‘grow’ and try to become BETTER humans by forever believing that the good in people will prevail, or we are simply nibbling at that bait which will eventually lead to us been grilled and eaten up (*am I too stuck on this fish metaphor or what?*)!?

Now I know I’m growing up because – as much as I’m hating and trying to oppose it - I’m turning into a ‘weak ass’. What to do? I’m saying ENOUGH, again. But I promise I’ll be giving myself a little ‘SLAP-treat’ the next time I even dare to think of going beyond it.

Noone can break the Time and Space continuum

2009-10-23T22:50:00.001+02:00

One thinks that four years is a crazy long period of time. To be even more precise, one is absolutely sure that four years will be more than enough to do everything and then still have half of the time at hand to wonder what ON EARTH to do. This, however, is an absurd illusion which we are capable of stating as such only after we have actually seen those four years pass us by like a Porsche leaving just dust behind. Why did time fly by without indicating its speed? Eventually we find out that we haven’t really done it all like we initially expected, pardon me, we were certain. What happened?

One thinks that four years is a crazy long period of time to spend on a ‘rock’ (i.e. rude for ‘rocky island’). But what if that ‘rock’ presents you with some great opportunities and experiences that can be the cornerstone of your life? What if you didn’t realize this in time but only when it was too late? What if we had a lot of fun but spent too much time having that fun with the wrong people? What if you met the wrong people because you weren’t at the right places to meet the right ones? What would the present look like if you had met those right people at the right time? What if you met the right people but never gave them much importance so never got to know them better as you now wish you could? What if you know now what to say and you didn’t know then? What if you didn’t want THAT something/someone to be close back then but now you want it badly? What if we missed so many of those things which are offered to us once-per-lifetime and we regret that every single day? Do we keep hanging in? Not much choice in here. All that is left for me now is to:

· hope I did enough during those four years

· look forward to the next four

· try to ensure I ‘did my homework’ and take every chance I get

Clearly, people tend to concentrate on how long a certain period of time is and now on what one can do with it in order to use it to his/her best advantage. Time is limited. At least us individuals’ time is surely limited. I know it’s a banal expression but please DO NOT TAKE TIME FOR GRANTED. Cherish every moment and make most of it. You would follow this advice if you don’t want to miss opportunities and desire a rich and fulfilling life. I know that’s what I want.

AND you?

Memories (continuation of a thought with big T which apparently began 2yrs ago)

2009-10-19T22:15:00.000+02:00

I love memories. Here I am talking about the good ones, of course. I am not that masochist as to like bad memories. I can’t say I aim at erasing them from my head either but certainly I do not love recalling them. Good memories, on the other hand, are so good that you need to lie down or sit back, relax, close eyes and then start the journey through your mind, a journey that will take you where you once were and where you would like to be right now.
Some memories will be too real – you know when you get the goose bumps from just a sound that reminds you of something but so strongly that you almost feel right there, back in time. I am having the goose bumps right now myself! Why is it that some of those lively memories seem like they are fake and they haven’t really happened? Those are the memories that are too good to bear.. everything back then was too good and now seems an illusion because you don’t even imagine this as being reality. Probably because it can’t and it is certain that it never will be, not again, not in the same way as before. When we realize that, our brain starts recalling those ‘ fake memories’ (which are real but we just explained why they are ‘fake’) in such a way that they look like scenes from a movie. I have plenty of such memories.
To be true, most of my good ones are of such a kind. This at times (who am I lying to.. ALWAYS!) can prove to be a bad thing. Yes, bad, very bad, and make you suffer quite a lot because you remember this .. let’s call it ‘MEMORY’ .. and you feel so relaxed and it’s so good.. you have turned back time and are living it all over again, that moment/that heavenly situation/that cup of tea with someone with big S/whatever else be it. It is all so intense and colourful that when you open your eyes by mistake you can’t remember where exactly you are. What is this place, where am I? – you ask yourself. ‘Ooh, sh**! I am back to reality, no, no, no!’ You don’t hesitate and close your eyes as fast as you can... but it’s all gone. It is exactly this feeling that I really hate – looking down confused and feeling so miserable and sad. This is not because you don’t like where you are at right now, no, not at all, or at least not necessarily. You clearly realize though that what was WAS and never will be.
What should we do when thoughts overwhelm us and we can’t figure what exactly to do next?! Never think about this memory again? But how do I do this? You know what? Instead of wishing there was a magic or enchanted antidote that we could just drink and let go of these making-us-feel-bad memories, let’s just be happy they are real memories and they did happen to US and us only in that heavenly kind of way we remember them.

About the memory pile-up & DREAMS (Note: something i have written 2 yrs ago)

2009-10-19T21:44:00.000+02:00

Sometimes i just sit and wait.. wait for the memories to come into my mind. Coz i like to remember things. Which is mainly because i tend to remember just the good stuff.

That’s probably a self-defense mechanism – let me dig a big hole and put everything bad to rest in there, then pile it up with a bunch of stones to cover it all up so that just good memories can make their way to the mind without any obstacles. I mean, there will be only good ones left then so you will inevitably remember just them.

However, remembering the bad can happen but only if u really insist on digging up again into the hole to search for that particular bad memory. I do this sometimes... but i would like to stop.

Past is never pink as we tend to imagine it after it has past. But when i start lookin back i start smiling without even realizing it. It’s funny when my roommate will turn her head and look at me with that questioning look asking if im all right. Oh, yes, i am all right. I like this backward ride so much since it makes me feel young again and happy coz of all that i have witnessed. Then there are so many things you will connect with other many things and you will get the whole picture which will unfold itself with all the faces, colours and emotions and you end up in a completely distant and brighter place than where you actually are (the bed in the room, as is my case) – in a memory!

That is why i like dreaming so much! I dream all the time.. everything.. anybody ... seriously! Sometimes i even wake up and pray for me to stop dreaming coz it is exhausting! It really is.. dreaming every night crazy weird things.. sometimes very terrifying and depressing. But then.. there are the cool dreams.. that i would like to repeat the night after or go to bed immediately after i woke up in order to continue them! I really love those ones.. Sometimes they are so real that i can even feel in them. Such dreams are almost better than reality..

You never know what future can bring. But you might just have an idea. And then when you see that this idea is starting to materialize in actual reality, you are shocked and your heart starts jumping and bumping everywhere in your chest! That’s what happened to me! I am not certain of whether past or dreams had more influence but they certainly did...